| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid Personality Disorder: | Low |
| Schizoid Personality Disorder: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal Personality Disorder: | Moderate |
| Antisocial Personality Disorder: | Low |
| Borderline Personality Disorder: | Low |
| Histrionic Personality Disorder: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic Personality Disorder: | High |
| Avoidant Personality Disorder: | Low |
| Dependent Personality Disorder: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: | Moderate |
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info -- | |
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Personality test!
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
The Streak, Ganguly and Vada Pav : A business proposal
Dedicated to TJ. (No, it's not a dead person. Can't one make a dedication to someone alive? Sheesh!)
A couple of days ago TJ and I were having a casual chat on life and other stuff. Our conversations, as is now a custom, start off with the normal 'Hi-s' and 'Hows it goin Dawg', move on to discussions about street food and gourmet desserts, take a pit-stop on the desi bashing station and ultimately end with a crazy business idea or two that we know will change the course of history if it were ever to take off.
Note to reader - By 'change the course of history' I mean change the course of our history. We'd probably end up bankrupt and in huge debt if we carried out our ideas. But there's always an escape plan ready - fake your death and start a new life in mexico. Why mexico? - I don't want the 4 years I spent learning Spanish to count for nothing.
Ok back to reality. So during the conversation yours truly has a brain wave and decides that a Netflix type service for desis would be a good business plan. To which TJ retorts - 'Ok, How will it work?' I am tempted to say - 'Decades later when my autobiography is out, it's gonna have a chapter that describes how it worked'. In fact I even have a draft of the chapter ready. Here's how it goes -
Chapter xx
For 7 days he worked his ass out.
On the 8th day he rested.
On the 9th, he had to escape to Mexico.
However better sense prevails and I conclude that such a service would never work. Desis are a stingy people and hate paying for anything! We are born with special bargaining chromosomes in our bodies and they're pretty darn resilient! It took me years of core strengthening workouts and abstinence from spicy Indian food to get rid of them.
Note to reader - Spice Indian food has no connection whatsoever with the bargaining chromosome. It just doesn't go well with core strengthening workouts.
However I have had some time to reflect on this business idea and think I may have just found a way to implement it and not have to escape to Mexico after all. But before, a short lesson on Indian geography and social structure. India is a country where people have a very strong regional identity. Regional identity however always needs to piggyback on a catalyst to thrive. And this catalyst needs to change at regular intervals of time so as to keep the regional identity fresh and kicking. In the early post-independence era this catalyst was language. After all the Indian states were divided on the basis of languages. Over the course of years this catalyst has taken different forms. Such as -
- Food: Believe it or not a regional party (ahem) in Bombay centered its civic body election campaign around setting up Vada Pav stalls in the city. Never mind that most of the stalls they setup were illegal. Not to be left behind, one of the opposition parties centered it's campaign around kanda poha. City welfare and development be damned!
- Actors: In a country obsessed with celebrities and movies this should not really come as surprise. South India is particularly obsessed with its actors. There were riots in bangalore when thespian actor Raj Kumar died in 2006. I shudder at what's gonna happen when Rajnikanth dies. I wouldn't want to be anywhere down south when that happens! Lest I forget, actors with embarrassing bit parts in Tom Cruise action flicks also count. Unfortunately.
- Sportspersons (Which in India is equivalent to cricketers ): Want to know how much regional/national pride we associate with cricketers? Take a look at this (it's one of many!) It's no wonder that banners of other countries' sports fans are much more imaginative and cheeky - exhibit.
-National monuments: Yes sir! You got that right! We'll defile 'em and scam on 'em but don't get us wrong! They're part our heritage and we loooove 'em.
- Scientists/ researchers/ astronauts: Never mind that a lot of them are not even Indian citizens. The fact that they have desi names and are of Indian origin is reason enough for the population to go ballistic and call up TV studios to wish them happy birthday on a special one hour episode dedicated to their lives. Oh and yeah, the birthday wishes just flash on the TV screen. They don't really reach the intended recipient.
Having given you an idea of the extent of desi regionalistic pride, here are a few ideas that can catapult the desi netflix proposal to dizzying heights of profitability and fame.
- Superimpose Rajnikanth's face on every cricketers body of every season of the Indian Premier League. Charge a 100 bucks for streaming a full season. Early birds get to watch the whole season with original players faces for free. Before you know it, the whole of southern India would have paid for all your future vacations.
- Ever heard of the streak? Replace the Undertaker's face from all his Wrestlemania matches with Sourav Ganguly's and his opponents with Greg Chappell (For a bit of background, read this). Stream every match at 50 bucks a piece and you'll probably be made honorary mayor of West Bengal.
- There's a ton of pictures of Barack Obama eating stuff on the internet. Photoshop all the foods with vada pav and sell the posters at 50 bucks a piece. Not only will Obama become Mumbai's poster boy and be christened honorary Marathi Manoos (dweller of Maharashtra) by a particular right wing regional political party (ahem) but you'll also probably make enough money out of it to buy a studio apartment in Bandra.
Note to reader - Oh Bandra! Home sweet home!
You're probably thinking I'm taking my tirade too far and am being more than just a tad offensive to make my point. But I haven't even made my point yet! Over the course of the past few days I have realized that a large chunk of the world population and very large chunk of Indians lives it's life through others. For some odd reason we derive more satisfaction from actors fake-beating thugs on screen while flashing their digitally enhanced abs, from cricketers smashing a last ball six or even from foreign dignitaries sampling our local cuisine than we do from our own lives.
So here's my point - Get a life. It's probably the best thing you'll ever do.
A couple of days ago TJ and I were having a casual chat on life and other stuff. Our conversations, as is now a custom, start off with the normal 'Hi-s' and 'Hows it goin Dawg', move on to discussions about street food and gourmet desserts, take a pit-stop on the desi bashing station and ultimately end with a crazy business idea or two that we know will change the course of history if it were ever to take off.
Note to reader - By 'change the course of history' I mean change the course of our history. We'd probably end up bankrupt and in huge debt if we carried out our ideas. But there's always an escape plan ready - fake your death and start a new life in mexico. Why mexico? - I don't want the 4 years I spent learning Spanish to count for nothing.
Ok back to reality. So during the conversation yours truly has a brain wave and decides that a Netflix type service for desis would be a good business plan. To which TJ retorts - 'Ok, How will it work?' I am tempted to say - 'Decades later when my autobiography is out, it's gonna have a chapter that describes how it worked'. In fact I even have a draft of the chapter ready. Here's how it goes -
Chapter xx
For 7 days he worked his ass out.
On the 8th day he rested.
On the 9th, he had to escape to Mexico.
However better sense prevails and I conclude that such a service would never work. Desis are a stingy people and hate paying for anything! We are born with special bargaining chromosomes in our bodies and they're pretty darn resilient! It took me years of core strengthening workouts and abstinence from spicy Indian food to get rid of them.
Note to reader - Spice Indian food has no connection whatsoever with the bargaining chromosome. It just doesn't go well with core strengthening workouts.
However I have had some time to reflect on this business idea and think I may have just found a way to implement it and not have to escape to Mexico after all. But before, a short lesson on Indian geography and social structure. India is a country where people have a very strong regional identity. Regional identity however always needs to piggyback on a catalyst to thrive. And this catalyst needs to change at regular intervals of time so as to keep the regional identity fresh and kicking. In the early post-independence era this catalyst was language. After all the Indian states were divided on the basis of languages. Over the course of years this catalyst has taken different forms. Such as -
- Food: Believe it or not a regional party (ahem) in Bombay centered its civic body election campaign around setting up Vada Pav stalls in the city. Never mind that most of the stalls they setup were illegal. Not to be left behind, one of the opposition parties centered it's campaign around kanda poha. City welfare and development be damned!
- Actors: In a country obsessed with celebrities and movies this should not really come as surprise. South India is particularly obsessed with its actors. There were riots in bangalore when thespian actor Raj Kumar died in 2006. I shudder at what's gonna happen when Rajnikanth dies. I wouldn't want to be anywhere down south when that happens! Lest I forget, actors with embarrassing bit parts in Tom Cruise action flicks also count. Unfortunately.
- Sportspersons (Which in India is equivalent to cricketers ): Want to know how much regional/national pride we associate with cricketers? Take a look at this (it's one of many!) It's no wonder that banners of other countries' sports fans are much more imaginative and cheeky - exhibit.
-National monuments: Yes sir! You got that right! We'll defile 'em and scam on 'em but don't get us wrong! They're part our heritage and we loooove 'em.
- Scientists/ researchers/ astronauts: Never mind that a lot of them are not even Indian citizens. The fact that they have desi names and are of Indian origin is reason enough for the population to go ballistic and call up TV studios to wish them happy birthday on a special one hour episode dedicated to their lives. Oh and yeah, the birthday wishes just flash on the TV screen. They don't really reach the intended recipient.
Having given you an idea of the extent of desi regionalistic pride, here are a few ideas that can catapult the desi netflix proposal to dizzying heights of profitability and fame.
- Superimpose Rajnikanth's face on every cricketers body of every season of the Indian Premier League. Charge a 100 bucks for streaming a full season. Early birds get to watch the whole season with original players faces for free. Before you know it, the whole of southern India would have paid for all your future vacations.
- Ever heard of the streak? Replace the Undertaker's face from all his Wrestlemania matches with Sourav Ganguly's and his opponents with Greg Chappell (For a bit of background, read this). Stream every match at 50 bucks a piece and you'll probably be made honorary mayor of West Bengal.
- There's a ton of pictures of Barack Obama eating stuff on the internet. Photoshop all the foods with vada pav and sell the posters at 50 bucks a piece. Not only will Obama become Mumbai's poster boy and be christened honorary Marathi Manoos (dweller of Maharashtra) by a particular right wing regional political party (ahem) but you'll also probably make enough money out of it to buy a studio apartment in Bandra.
Note to reader - Oh Bandra! Home sweet home!
You're probably thinking I'm taking my tirade too far and am being more than just a tad offensive to make my point. But I haven't even made my point yet! Over the course of the past few days I have realized that a large chunk of the world population and very large chunk of Indians lives it's life through others. For some odd reason we derive more satisfaction from actors fake-beating thugs on screen while flashing their digitally enhanced abs, from cricketers smashing a last ball six or even from foreign dignitaries sampling our local cuisine than we do from our own lives.
So here's my point - Get a life. It's probably the best thing you'll ever do.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Locus of our existence
Yesterday a man named Sachin Tendulkar (an Indian cricketer) created history by becoming the only individual to have scored a hundred scores of a hundred or more in international cricket. For those on whom the magnitude of this achievement is loss, let me just say that I don't see this record being broken in my life-time or the next.
The occasion was met by a barrage of coverage on news media websites, congratulatory tweets, facebook status updates and a general sense of overwhelming euphoria.
Many of the facebook updates I saw told a story of how the the updater has waited with bated breath for over a year for the record, how it has given him genuine happiness, how his belief than Sachin is 'God' is now stronger than ever and even how watching Sachin bat on the cricket field helps him overcome a hard day at work.
Pure selfless happiness, anyone?
It's great to see that truly genuine and pure happiness still exists in perhaps the most material age the world has seen. It's a travesty that the locus of this happiness, like many other emotions that define us as humans, is miles outside our inner selves.
Social media has created a very flat parallel world structure where every spontaneous emotion that we experience and share in the digital world is laid out for potentially everyone else to see. A brief survey of these emotions tells a story of how disconnected with ourselves we have become as a individuals.
Humans are a passionate race. Some of us are overtly passionate, others passively. But no one is without passion. A sweeping glance at the peoples' lives as laid out for all to see by the powerful social media juggernaut shows how misplaced and misdirected our passions have become. One is very likely to find exclamations of happiness and joy like "woohoo!" , "yay!", "booya!" and "overjoyed!" in response to sporting events and records like the one mentioned above, the release of an eagerly awaited piece of technology or even perhaps the announcement of the latest version of a PC game. The opposite end of a spectrum is almost a mirror reflection. Exclamations of lament, anger, sadness and disappointment will very likely be posted in response to events like the defeat of ones favourite sportsperson/team, a piece of technology one owns not getting any future updates, a PC game being discontinued by the studio or even the cancellation of a revered sitcom.
Happiness. Joy. Lament. Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Emotions that form the locus of human existence invested on objects, things and events that are fleeting by their vary nature. Houston, we have a problem!
A cause-effect analysis throws up many possible explanations for this trend. Like negligent advertising, misplaced patriotism, an increasing material view of one's success, decrease in ones level of social skills, ever-reducing opportunities to pursue ones aspirations to name a few. This however is in itself a deep topic that demands a collective introspection followed by a sincere attempt at individual and collective change.
Human nature however is quite perverse in its own way and any effort at identifying and remedying the causes for our increasing distant locus of existence will invariably take a tangential turn for the worse, possibly branding one asking these difficult questions unpatriotic, a heretic or maybe even plain loony.
A more practical path to tread would be to in a sense 'manufacture' your own motivations in life. A motivation that arouses your individual happiness, joy, lament, anger, disappointment and sadness more deeply than anything else ever can. More often that not, you will realize that such a motivation lies much closer to your self than a sports event a hundred miles away or a PC expo in another continent.
So the next time you see someones facebook status read "booya!" on a non newsworthy day, stop wondering. Perhaps he has found his very own locus of existence. It's about time you do too.
The occasion was met by a barrage of coverage on news media websites, congratulatory tweets, facebook status updates and a general sense of overwhelming euphoria.
Many of the facebook updates I saw told a story of how the the updater has waited with bated breath for over a year for the record, how it has given him genuine happiness, how his belief than Sachin is 'God' is now stronger than ever and even how watching Sachin bat on the cricket field helps him overcome a hard day at work.
Pure selfless happiness, anyone?
It's great to see that truly genuine and pure happiness still exists in perhaps the most material age the world has seen. It's a travesty that the locus of this happiness, like many other emotions that define us as humans, is miles outside our inner selves.
Social media has created a very flat parallel world structure where every spontaneous emotion that we experience and share in the digital world is laid out for potentially everyone else to see. A brief survey of these emotions tells a story of how disconnected with ourselves we have become as a individuals.
Humans are a passionate race. Some of us are overtly passionate, others passively. But no one is without passion. A sweeping glance at the peoples' lives as laid out for all to see by the powerful social media juggernaut shows how misplaced and misdirected our passions have become. One is very likely to find exclamations of happiness and joy like "woohoo!" , "yay!", "booya!" and "overjoyed!" in response to sporting events and records like the one mentioned above, the release of an eagerly awaited piece of technology or even perhaps the announcement of the latest version of a PC game. The opposite end of a spectrum is almost a mirror reflection. Exclamations of lament, anger, sadness and disappointment will very likely be posted in response to events like the defeat of ones favourite sportsperson/team, a piece of technology one owns not getting any future updates, a PC game being discontinued by the studio or even the cancellation of a revered sitcom.
Happiness. Joy. Lament. Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Emotions that form the locus of human existence invested on objects, things and events that are fleeting by their vary nature. Houston, we have a problem!
A cause-effect analysis throws up many possible explanations for this trend. Like negligent advertising, misplaced patriotism, an increasing material view of one's success, decrease in ones level of social skills, ever-reducing opportunities to pursue ones aspirations to name a few. This however is in itself a deep topic that demands a collective introspection followed by a sincere attempt at individual and collective change.
Human nature however is quite perverse in its own way and any effort at identifying and remedying the causes for our increasing distant locus of existence will invariably take a tangential turn for the worse, possibly branding one asking these difficult questions unpatriotic, a heretic or maybe even plain loony.
A more practical path to tread would be to in a sense 'manufacture' your own motivations in life. A motivation that arouses your individual happiness, joy, lament, anger, disappointment and sadness more deeply than anything else ever can. More often that not, you will realize that such a motivation lies much closer to your self than a sports event a hundred miles away or a PC expo in another continent.
So the next time you see someones facebook status read "booya!" on a non newsworthy day, stop wondering. Perhaps he has found his very own locus of existence. It's about time you do too.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Salsa Flavoured Death
A couple of days ago I walked into the kitchen to carry out my daily midnight-snacking ritual. This time it was a couple of dorito chips that I hungrily munched on to satisfy my eccentric and clockwork-like punctual hunger pang. Now I've always held that fast food giants use some form of addictive chemicals to get us hooked on to their food. It was perhaps a said additive or my own gluttony, but I almost swallowed a whole chip and for a split second choked on it so hard I thought my throat would explode.
Note to reader - Read my lips: I am not dead!
If I were I wouldn't be writing this post! Although I think with Steve Jobs on the other side, Moses will soon have an upgraded tablet and ghosts their very own range of Macs, blogging platforms, broadband options and cloud services to choose from. And with no competition around, Stevie J will probably be as loved up there as he was down here. Ahem.
Now after a near death experience a normal person might have a life altering epiphany, would perhaps have his life flash before his eyes, might want to make a final phone call to a loved one or perhaps want to shred the latest draft of his will in which he left everything to his dog coz his family pissed him off (Woof Woof!). But we're talking normal here. So that's obviously not what happened to me.
Note to reader - Steve Jobs life probably didn't flash before his eyes. He hated flash.
As I recovered from a salsa flavoured almost death neither did I have an epiphany nor any of other stuff I just mentioned above. I coughed out the guilty piece of chip that almost took my life, looked intently at it for a second, decided the flavour was too precious to waste, put it back in my mouth and instinctively walked up to my laptop to update my near death experience as my facebook status while munching on it.
Yes. Update-my-facebook-status.
Now there're one of two paths that I can take from this point on in this post. I can write about how social media and an increasingly 'connected' world has ironically led to a breakdown of meaningful communication and is breeding a society bereft of real social skills. But I'm not going to do that. I'd rather not dwell on the inevitability of the undesired consequences of our short-sighted creations.
On the contrary, let's talk about first instincts. What would your first instinct be if you had a near death experience, if at all?
Disclaimer -
If you expect this post to carry you through an inner journey of self-realization ultimately ending to a discovery of great and absolute truth, forget about it. Not gonna happen. Not because I'm incapable of such journeys but because absolute truths no longer exist. What we're sold as absolute truths in this world are a bunch of lies wrapped over with our own fears, insecurities and prejudices that we're bound to perceive as truths simply because we that's the way we want to perceive them. The mere idea of challenging our perceptions stirs up an almost mortal fear in us. We have a natural aversion to questioning the ideas and beliefs that we have grown up accepting as true. And we'd do anything to keep it that way. Anything. It's a dangerous precedent and one that needs to be reversed yesterday! If ever the world needed a reboot button, it's now. But if it did exist, I'm sure attempts to conceal/destroy it would not only be made, but be very successful.
Note to reader - Now that I've suckered you into thinking about life altering stuff and possibly pushed you into a journey looking for reboot buttons in all odd places, I'm gonna get on with what I intended to write about in the first place.
First instincts.
With the advent of social media our first instinct these days very often is to write about our experiences as our facebook status update, check-in our travels on four square, tweet our latest political stance on twitter, to name a few.
Ever thought what someone's first instinct would have been in say the middle ages? Or during the cold war?
Disclaimer 2 - This time I'm serious. Don't expect life-altering earth-shattering stuff from now on. I'm done suckering you!
Let's roll!
Circa 320 BC -
The actors -
-Emperor Chandragupta Maurya (Maurya dynasty, India)
-His teacher 'Chanakya' - A complete BadAss. Perhaps the most awesome political strategist ever. Think George W Bush; Chanakya was everything Bush is not, a million times over.
If Chandragupta Maurya choked on a Dorito, Chanakya would probably have added Doritos to the arsenal of all designated female assassins. (I told you he was a BadAss! A pioneer of using females as political spies / assassins in India). That would've probably made all forms of chips a taboo food in India, but we still wouldn't be a fit nation. We love eating crap, and would probably find something much worse to munch on!
Note to Reader - Of course one can argue that doritos wouldn't have existed in 320 BC. To that I'd say - Boooo! Where's you're sense of creative freedom player?!
Circa 1575 -
The Actors -
- Emperor Akbar (Mughal Dynasty, India)
- His Grand Vizier 'Birbal' - Really Smart. Like Albert Einstein plus Sigmund Freud minus Albert's crazy hairdo minus Sigmund's crazy mojo
If Akbar choked on a Dorito, Birbal would probably have turned the incident to a source for some wise pearl of wisdom for which he would have been rewarded with land equivalent to what is now New Delhi. Hundreds of years later, it would have totally ruined all my Dorito eating experiences. Turning then from excessively salty and flavourful gastronomical death morsels into soul searching morsels of divine contemplation. Tragic, just tragic.
Note to reader - "Wise pearl of wisdom" is just bad English, ain't it!
Circa 1800 - Napolean Bonaparte chokes on a Dorito.
The sun-uv-a-gun would have died on the spot! His tiny frame wouldn't have had the energy to cough it out!
Circa 1935 - Mahatma Gandhi Chokes on a Dorito.
Wait, he fasted half the time he was alive. The odds of him choking on a Dorito are just too minuscule to consider.
Circa 2000 - Bill Clinton chokes on a Dorito.
- A couple of years after the incident he would hold a press conference completely unrelated to the choking and declare - "I did not have sexual relations with Dorito".
-Hillary would then hand him a note asking- 'You laid our puerto rican maid?'
I could go on and on, but I'm just sleepy and have to wake up early for class tomorrow. To sum it all up, I'm just glad that I live in an age where choking on a chip will seldom have implications beyond my passing to the other side!
Note to reader - Read my lips: I am not dead!
If I were I wouldn't be writing this post! Although I think with Steve Jobs on the other side, Moses will soon have an upgraded tablet and ghosts their very own range of Macs, blogging platforms, broadband options and cloud services to choose from. And with no competition around, Stevie J will probably be as loved up there as he was down here. Ahem.
Now after a near death experience a normal person might have a life altering epiphany, would perhaps have his life flash before his eyes, might want to make a final phone call to a loved one or perhaps want to shred the latest draft of his will in which he left everything to his dog coz his family pissed him off (Woof Woof!). But we're talking normal here. So that's obviously not what happened to me.
Note to reader - Steve Jobs life probably didn't flash before his eyes. He hated flash.
As I recovered from a salsa flavoured almost death neither did I have an epiphany nor any of other stuff I just mentioned above. I coughed out the guilty piece of chip that almost took my life, looked intently at it for a second, decided the flavour was too precious to waste, put it back in my mouth and instinctively walked up to my laptop to update my near death experience as my facebook status while munching on it.
Yes. Update-my-facebook-status.
Now there're one of two paths that I can take from this point on in this post. I can write about how social media and an increasingly 'connected' world has ironically led to a breakdown of meaningful communication and is breeding a society bereft of real social skills. But I'm not going to do that. I'd rather not dwell on the inevitability of the undesired consequences of our short-sighted creations.
On the contrary, let's talk about first instincts. What would your first instinct be if you had a near death experience, if at all?
Disclaimer -
If you expect this post to carry you through an inner journey of self-realization ultimately ending to a discovery of great and absolute truth, forget about it. Not gonna happen. Not because I'm incapable of such journeys but because absolute truths no longer exist. What we're sold as absolute truths in this world are a bunch of lies wrapped over with our own fears, insecurities and prejudices that we're bound to perceive as truths simply because we that's the way we want to perceive them. The mere idea of challenging our perceptions stirs up an almost mortal fear in us. We have a natural aversion to questioning the ideas and beliefs that we have grown up accepting as true. And we'd do anything to keep it that way. Anything. It's a dangerous precedent and one that needs to be reversed yesterday! If ever the world needed a reboot button, it's now. But if it did exist, I'm sure attempts to conceal/destroy it would not only be made, but be very successful.
Note to reader - Now that I've suckered you into thinking about life altering stuff and possibly pushed you into a journey looking for reboot buttons in all odd places, I'm gonna get on with what I intended to write about in the first place.
First instincts.
With the advent of social media our first instinct these days very often is to write about our experiences as our facebook status update, check-in our travels on four square, tweet our latest political stance on twitter, to name a few.
Ever thought what someone's first instinct would have been in say the middle ages? Or during the cold war?
Disclaimer 2 - This time I'm serious. Don't expect life-altering earth-shattering stuff from now on. I'm done suckering you!
Let's roll!
Circa 320 BC -
The actors -
-Emperor Chandragupta Maurya (Maurya dynasty, India)
-His teacher 'Chanakya' - A complete BadAss. Perhaps the most awesome political strategist ever. Think George W Bush; Chanakya was everything Bush is not, a million times over.
If Chandragupta Maurya choked on a Dorito, Chanakya would probably have added Doritos to the arsenal of all designated female assassins. (I told you he was a BadAss! A pioneer of using females as political spies / assassins in India). That would've probably made all forms of chips a taboo food in India, but we still wouldn't be a fit nation. We love eating crap, and would probably find something much worse to munch on!
Note to Reader - Of course one can argue that doritos wouldn't have existed in 320 BC. To that I'd say - Boooo! Where's you're sense of creative freedom player?!
Circa 1575 -
The Actors -
- Emperor Akbar (Mughal Dynasty, India)
- His Grand Vizier 'Birbal' - Really Smart. Like Albert Einstein plus Sigmund Freud minus Albert's crazy hairdo minus Sigmund's crazy mojo
If Akbar choked on a Dorito, Birbal would probably have turned the incident to a source for some wise pearl of wisdom for which he would have been rewarded with land equivalent to what is now New Delhi. Hundreds of years later, it would have totally ruined all my Dorito eating experiences. Turning then from excessively salty and flavourful gastronomical death morsels into soul searching morsels of divine contemplation. Tragic, just tragic.
Note to reader - "Wise pearl of wisdom" is just bad English, ain't it!
Circa 1800 - Napolean Bonaparte chokes on a Dorito.
The sun-uv-a-gun would have died on the spot! His tiny frame wouldn't have had the energy to cough it out!
Circa 1935 - Mahatma Gandhi Chokes on a Dorito.
Wait, he fasted half the time he was alive. The odds of him choking on a Dorito are just too minuscule to consider.
Circa 2000 - Bill Clinton chokes on a Dorito.
- A couple of years after the incident he would hold a press conference completely unrelated to the choking and declare - "I did not have sexual relations with Dorito".
-Hillary would then hand him a note asking- 'You laid our puerto rican maid?'
I could go on and on, but I'm just sleepy and have to wake up early for class tomorrow. To sum it all up, I'm just glad that I live in an age where choking on a chip will seldom have implications beyond my passing to the other side!
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