So today I went to this store to get me a few Y-fronts.
I really should have checked the colours.
After coming home and tearing the receipt I find out that one of them was RED.
Yes. Blood Red.
All of a suden I feel like a pornstar.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
Euphoria
I've been falling into one of those mystifying traps that are not really traps, but corridoors to life and euphoria.
It's a feeling that's very hard to describe and nearly impossible to experience.
Everything seems perfect.
When I sit in a three-wheeler heading towards home; I feel as though I'm on a heavnely chariot powered by inter-gallactic forces - heading toward nowhere at the speed of light.
When the wind hits my face it seems as though the elements want to embrace me; they make up for their lack of form and shape by enveloping me with all they have - carbon monoxide laden oxygen.
The morning fog looks like it has been holding treasures in it's midst since time immemorial, only for my ultimate unravelling.
Looking at the wall clock I feel as though time has come to a standstill; the clock ticks, the earth spins around, but time is at a standstill.
Sitting here in office in the dead of the night I feel like I'm the centre of the Universe.
I can go on and on, but my thoughts are travelling faster than I can type.
Everything else seems trivial - getting a job, procreation, a good haircut - everything. That's why it is really impossible to experience- we keep getting lost in such trivialties of life.
It's a trap because you never want to get out of it- I know I don't want to.
I can't describe this feeling anymore. I don't want to. Words can do no justice to this.
It's a feeling that's very hard to describe and nearly impossible to experience.
Everything seems perfect.
When I sit in a three-wheeler heading towards home; I feel as though I'm on a heavnely chariot powered by inter-gallactic forces - heading toward nowhere at the speed of light.
When the wind hits my face it seems as though the elements want to embrace me; they make up for their lack of form and shape by enveloping me with all they have - carbon monoxide laden oxygen.
The morning fog looks like it has been holding treasures in it's midst since time immemorial, only for my ultimate unravelling.
Looking at the wall clock I feel as though time has come to a standstill; the clock ticks, the earth spins around, but time is at a standstill.
Sitting here in office in the dead of the night I feel like I'm the centre of the Universe.
I can go on and on, but my thoughts are travelling faster than I can type.
Everything else seems trivial - getting a job, procreation, a good haircut - everything. That's why it is really impossible to experience- we keep getting lost in such trivialties of life.
It's a trap because you never want to get out of it- I know I don't want to.
I can't describe this feeling anymore. I don't want to. Words can do no justice to this.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
The Lie
Waiting for death,
She made me a request.
Can you take me to my childhood, if only for a minute?
Ofcourse, I will.
It was a lousy attempt.
My heart was weeping, the brain - dead.
I didn't like the outcome.
She told me she loved it.
It was lie - I knew
She didn't wan't to hurt me.
Struggling for life, praying for death, she didn't want to hurt me.
In my mind I said-Mom, I know you lied.
Standing beside her grave, I tell her-
I know, you lied.
She made me a request.
Can you take me to my childhood, if only for a minute?
Ofcourse, I will.
It was a lousy attempt.
My heart was weeping, the brain - dead.
I didn't like the outcome.
She told me she loved it.
It was lie - I knew
She didn't wan't to hurt me.
Struggling for life, praying for death, she didn't want to hurt me.
In my mind I said-Mom, I know you lied.
Standing beside her grave, I tell her-
I know, you lied.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Note to Self
Everything has it's place in time.
Don't try and make your destiny, don't even try to find it.
Live like there's no tomorrow.
Everything has it's place in time.
Don't try and make your destiny, don't even try to find it.
Live like there's no tomorrow.
Everything has it's place in time.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Tears Never Cried
They run through my heart,
The tears I never cried.
They linger in my heart,
Words I never said, of love and forgiveness.
They pierce my heart,
Words I said, bitter and loathesome.
They are lost within me,
The laughters of yore; gifts of life.
They confine me to life,
The airs that go in and out.
They give me reason,
Memories of yesterday, moments just gone by.
They betray me without shame,
The musings of tomowrrow; promises of nothing.
Wish I could turn back time,
To where I never was.
Wish I could stop it from ticking,
To where I was not yet.
- Mairaj Zindran
The tears I never cried.
They linger in my heart,
Words I never said, of love and forgiveness.
They pierce my heart,
Words I said, bitter and loathesome.
They are lost within me,
The laughters of yore; gifts of life.
They confine me to life,
The airs that go in and out.
They give me reason,
Memories of yesterday, moments just gone by.
They betray me without shame,
The musings of tomowrrow; promises of nothing.
Wish I could turn back time,
To where I never was.
Wish I could stop it from ticking,
To where I was not yet.
- Mairaj Zindran
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I'm the king
What does it feel like,
When you want to cry,
But the tears won't roll by.
What does it feel like,
When you wan't to cry,
But there's no shoulder nearby.
What does it feel like,
When you have to choose-
Not from good and evil,
But lesser of two evils.
She asks me - 'Would I like an eco-friendly bag?'
No-I say.
I want an ego-friendly bag,
Something which says-'I'm the king'.
When you want to cry,
But the tears won't roll by.
What does it feel like,
When you wan't to cry,
But there's no shoulder nearby.
What does it feel like,
When you have to choose-
Not from good and evil,
But lesser of two evils.
She asks me - 'Would I like an eco-friendly bag?'
No-I say.
I want an ego-friendly bag,
Something which says-'I'm the king'.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Note to Self
This is the 3rd night in a row that I've not had the time to eat dinner in office.
I'll have to go home to my faithful cup of tea again.
Am I missing something here?
Isn't there more to life than this?
Wouldn't I rather be a motorcycle junkie or a hippie?
I'll have to go home to my faithful cup of tea again.
Am I missing something here?
Isn't there more to life than this?
Wouldn't I rather be a motorcycle junkie or a hippie?
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Urban Chagrin
The infinite wisdom,
Deserving of the Kingdom,
From a mass of nothing,
Let there BE light.
Feel,what you are,
Alive, then dead, then alive again.
Give me your hand, I want to feel alive.
Give me your life, I want to feel alive.
I searched the mountains, the deep end of the ocean,
For a price tag signed 'God'.
I didn't find any Min-RPs.
Theoretically, Everything is free.
Break the walls down!
I want to feel free,
Feel alive,
Feel dead,
Then alive again.
Then there was man,
The usurper of honesty-
Let there be Plight!
Save me from man-
Save me from myself.
Don't want to die this way,
Let me be free for a day.
Deserving of the Kingdom,
From a mass of nothing,
Let there BE light.
Feel,what you are,
Alive, then dead, then alive again.
Give me your hand, I want to feel alive.
Give me your life, I want to feel alive.
I searched the mountains, the deep end of the ocean,
For a price tag signed 'God'.
I didn't find any Min-RPs.
Theoretically, Everything is free.
Break the walls down!
I want to feel free,
Feel alive,
Feel dead,
Then alive again.
Then there was man,
The usurper of honesty-
Let there be Plight!
Save me from man-
Save me from myself.
Don't want to die this way,
Let me be free for a day.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The Disowned Calamity
Being to the world,
What the world is to me.
A dysfunctional spirit
A disowned calamity.
Laughing and crying
For I shall come down upon thou
With a wrath that thou shalst never see
With a wrath that thou would never have seen
Whilst you're taken by forbidden pleasure, with amorous sin
Losing myself in your dollops of pity.
Losing myself in your sensual ravines.
Getting no closer to you, just further from myself.
Time and again,
You are my survival
You are my passion
You are my lust
You are my undoing.
I then return to this world
To the slaying of conscience, the sacrifice of virginity
Back to being the dysfunctional spirit, the disowned calamity.
What the world is to me.
A dysfunctional spirit
A disowned calamity.
Laughing and crying
For I shall come down upon thou
With a wrath that thou shalst never see
With a wrath that thou would never have seen
Whilst you're taken by forbidden pleasure, with amorous sin
Losing myself in your dollops of pity.
Losing myself in your sensual ravines.
Getting no closer to you, just further from myself.
Time and again,
You are my survival
You are my passion
You are my lust
You are my undoing.
I then return to this world
To the slaying of conscience, the sacrifice of virginity
Back to being the dysfunctional spirit, the disowned calamity.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Favourite Movie/TV Quotes
Silence of the Lambs: "Hello Clarise".
Jerry Magurie: "Show me the money!"
The Simpsons: "Excellent!"
The Godfather II: "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."
The Godfather: "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."
Jerry Maguire: "You had me at 'Hello'."
Taxi No. 9211: "Pata hai 300 crore mein kitne zero hote hain? Khud kamaya hota toh pata hota."
The Graduate: "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?"
Jerry Magurie: "Show me the money!"
The Simpsons: "Excellent!"
The Godfather II: "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."
The Godfather: "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."
Jerry Maguire: "You had me at 'Hello'."
Taxi No. 9211: "Pata hai 300 crore mein kitne zero hote hain? Khud kamaya hota toh pata hota."
The Graduate: "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?"
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Nostalgia
11 am: Photocopies of material for tomorrows test - Rs. 95
3 pm: New assignment sheets to complete the last assignment - Rs.25
6 pm: The last snack with friends in the canteen - Rs. 20
3 am: Grabbing a smoke with friends (totally forgetting about the test) - Priceless.
3 pm: New assignment sheets to complete the last assignment - Rs.25
6 pm: The last snack with friends in the canteen - Rs. 20
3 am: Grabbing a smoke with friends (totally forgetting about the test) - Priceless.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Feeling Good Today
I dont know why, but I'm feeling really great today. It's been coming for sometime though... I've had a series of awakenings that has culminated to this very moment. The whole plot is this :
1 - Love yourself.
2 - Love everyone else.
3 - Don't have preconceived notions; be flexible, have an open mind.
4 - Do not centre your life around work.
5 - Do not centre your life around yourself.
6 - Do not centre your life around others.
7 - Do not bother yourselves with what others do; if it could have changed things, it would have happened a long time ago.
8 - Believe in yourself.
9 - ENJOY THE PROCESS, DON'T BOTHER ABOUT RESULTS.
10 - The key to attaining your goals, is not having one.
11 - My measure of success is not by how much I own, but to what extent I can live without what I desire.
12 - Once in a while, splurge on yourself.
13 - I don't like insurance - I prefer feeling invincible.
13a - I want to feel invincible for the rest of my life.
14 - Admire the lovely girls on the billboards.
15 - Soak in every moment; life is beautiful.
16 - Looking forward to bungee jumping some day.
17 - I will restart my workouts in a couple of weeks' time.
18 - Learn a new language.
19 - Never do what you love for a living, it will dilute your love for it.
I'm feeling good today. Muy bueno y muy feliz.
1 - Love yourself.
2 - Love everyone else.
3 - Don't have preconceived notions; be flexible, have an open mind.
4 - Do not centre your life around work.
5 - Do not centre your life around yourself.
6 - Do not centre your life around others.
7 - Do not bother yourselves with what others do; if it could have changed things, it would have happened a long time ago.
8 - Believe in yourself.
9 - ENJOY THE PROCESS, DON'T BOTHER ABOUT RESULTS.
10 - The key to attaining your goals, is not having one.
11 - My measure of success is not by how much I own, but to what extent I can live without what I desire.
12 - Once in a while, splurge on yourself.
13 - I don't like insurance - I prefer feeling invincible.
13a - I want to feel invincible for the rest of my life.
14 - Admire the lovely girls on the billboards.
15 - Soak in every moment; life is beautiful.
16 - Looking forward to bungee jumping some day.
17 - I will restart my workouts in a couple of weeks' time.
18 - Learn a new language.
19 - Never do what you love for a living, it will dilute your love for it.
I'm feeling good today. Muy bueno y muy feliz.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Numbers Define Me
I'm leaving for prayers.
I wear the other footwear,
Lest the new ones be robbed.
I'm leaving for prayers,
I wear the neglected shirt,
I don't want to be begged from.
I'm done with my prayers,
An invalid greets me.
His lips praise the Almighty,
But his hands ask from me.
I contemplate my reflection.
I am not me. No.
I am a student-measured by grades.
I am a pin up-measured by age.
I am a trophy-measured by riches.
I am not me.No.
Numbers define me.
A travesty of me; A plunge in faith.
- Mairaj Zindran
I wear the other footwear,
Lest the new ones be robbed.
I'm leaving for prayers,
I wear the neglected shirt,
I don't want to be begged from.
I'm done with my prayers,
An invalid greets me.
His lips praise the Almighty,
But his hands ask from me.
I contemplate my reflection.
I am not me. No.
I am a student-measured by grades.
I am a pin up-measured by age.
I am a trophy-measured by riches.
I am not me.No.
Numbers define me.
A travesty of me; A plunge in faith.
- Mairaj Zindran
Friday, September 15, 2006
A Chance Encounter
Angela an actress.
5 years, 3 husbands, 2 divorces, a $4m alimony.
Vic a baseball card collector.
The last hot dinner 5 months ago.
The current boyfriend 9 years her junior.
Just signed up for Pulp Fiction 2.
He wrestled in back alleys - $15 guaranteed.
Most spent on baseball cards and broken limbs.
She wrecked his enfield.
Was booked for DUI.
Oh. She wrecked the enfield with him on it.
Ouch another broken rib.
3 months 2 weeks 3days 4 hours.
Time for a courtesy visit - courtesy AA rehab.
She went to him.
Flowers and all.
Her fragrance was Escada.
Floored him like nothing else.
She's now with husband number 4.
Shelved - Pulp Fiction 2.
He's now worth $10000 a fight.
Most spent on Angela the wife.
-Mairaj Zindran
5 years, 3 husbands, 2 divorces, a $4m alimony.
Vic a baseball card collector.
The last hot dinner 5 months ago.
The current boyfriend 9 years her junior.
Just signed up for Pulp Fiction 2.
He wrestled in back alleys - $15 guaranteed.
Most spent on baseball cards and broken limbs.
She wrecked his enfield.
Was booked for DUI.
Oh. She wrecked the enfield with him on it.
Ouch another broken rib.
3 months 2 weeks 3days 4 hours.
Time for a courtesy visit - courtesy AA rehab.
She went to him.
Flowers and all.
Her fragrance was Escada.
Floored him like nothing else.
She's now with husband number 4.
Shelved - Pulp Fiction 2.
He's now worth $10000 a fight.
Most spent on Angela the wife.
-Mairaj Zindran
Friday, September 08, 2006
Please
I've just had a moment.
Whether of clarity or darkness, I dont know.
My perspective has changed.
Someday I'll be old.
With fading eyesight, a broken body, a tattered soul.
Pick me when I'm young.
Please.
Whether of clarity or darkness, I dont know.
My perspective has changed.
Someday I'll be old.
With fading eyesight, a broken body, a tattered soul.
Pick me when I'm young.
Please.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Shallow
The folly of my eyes,
Just a bunch of lies.
A good cause deserves a donation?
Don't you see, it gives tax exemption.
The lies, on the mind they are so easy,
All sexed up and cheesy.
Oh how they love the oil.
Tyrant displacement, just a foil.
Shameless carnage of human rights,
Just breaking news and sound bytes.
The LoN, the UN, what do we need them for?
The road to peace now starts at war.
All our lives, we bark up the wrong tree.
When all we need is to break free.
Not pots of gold or an axe to grind.
Just someone to cry with and a beautiful mind.
-Mairaj Zindran
Just a bunch of lies.
A good cause deserves a donation?
Don't you see, it gives tax exemption.
The lies, on the mind they are so easy,
All sexed up and cheesy.
Oh how they love the oil.
Tyrant displacement, just a foil.
Shameless carnage of human rights,
Just breaking news and sound bytes.
The LoN, the UN, what do we need them for?
The road to peace now starts at war.
All our lives, we bark up the wrong tree.
When all we need is to break free.
Not pots of gold or an axe to grind.
Just someone to cry with and a beautiful mind.
-Mairaj Zindran
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Stressed at Work
Very stressful day today.
Was forgetting my password so many times after I locked my workstation...
Was forgetting my password so many times after I locked my workstation...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Catharsis
Love.
Love of land, love of person, love of creed
Each one, selfish. Unabashadely.
Causing ruin.
Ruin of the self, ruin of life
Ruin of love, ruin of spirit.
Each one, making me more selfish.
Giving me reason to distrust,
Reason to destroy,
Tears and red everywhere.
Love.
Love of the self.
Delusion.
I am the alpha and the omega.
The timeline, begining and ending with me.
Sorry delusion.
No. Don't need covetous compulsions.
No.
The centre of me is land nor person nor cult.
The centre of me is not me, the centre is not me.
A spec on the timeline.
Therein lies greatness.
Not timelines. No.
Dots in space. Yes. Dots in space.
Mairaj Zindran
Love of land, love of person, love of creed
Each one, selfish. Unabashadely.
Causing ruin.
Ruin of the self, ruin of life
Ruin of love, ruin of spirit.
Each one, making me more selfish.
Giving me reason to distrust,
Reason to destroy,
Tears and red everywhere.
Love.
Love of the self.
Delusion.
I am the alpha and the omega.
The timeline, begining and ending with me.
Sorry delusion.
No. Don't need covetous compulsions.
No.
The centre of me is land nor person nor cult.
The centre of me is not me, the centre is not me.
A spec on the timeline.
Therein lies greatness.
Not timelines. No.
Dots in space. Yes. Dots in space.
Mairaj Zindran
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
The Past Few Days
The past few days have been good.
Argentina beat Mexico.
Italy beat Australia.
England beat Ecuador.
Brazil beat Ghana.
The past few days have been good.
Work killed me.
Monsoon brought me back to life.
Homer got a gun.
Ronaldo got a record.
Totti smashed home a penalty.
The past few days have been good.
Rocky drew Apollo.
Rocky beat Apollo.
Warrior beat Hogan.
Lust beat Clinton.
The past few days have been good.
Argentina beat Mexico.
Italy beat Australia.
England beat Ecuador.
Brazil beat Ghana.
The past few days have been good.
Work killed me.
Monsoon brought me back to life.
Homer got a gun.
Ronaldo got a record.
Totti smashed home a penalty.
The past few days have been good.
Rocky drew Apollo.
Rocky beat Apollo.
Warrior beat Hogan.
Lust beat Clinton.
The past few days have been good.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
A shot at life
Man is an eternal traveller. Each moment on this earth is a journey - sometimes to self realisation, self destruction, self fulfillment, self actuation - a journey marked by meandering dreams, empty successes, victories in defeat and defeats in victory.
I cannot help but imagine that every living being in our vast solar system is here for a reason. Each organism no matter how insignificant to the naked mind, is here for a reason. The irony being that we'd know the reason only after it has outlived its allotment in the timeline.
If we're all here for a reason, then what is it about man that he spends all his life after that one dream, that one impossibility, that one reason that is the reason for every breath he breathes, he toils day in and day out, night in and night out, and after achieving it, all he can muster is - 'Yeah. Did it. Now what?'
How many times have I thought about this. How many times i have stood at the edge of insanity and asked myself - What am i here for? Why was i born? Where is it that my ultimate reason lies?
Why does man have the power to choose his destiny? Isn't it a curse? A sugar coated poison?
Why does he not submit himself to the cosmos? Let fate decide what happens next.
Every avenue i look at in life asks me the one question i have come to despise - When's the next money shot?
Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Open your mind. Think about that one thing that you would like to do no matter what. That one dream that transcends time, geography, economy... everything. There's probably no such thing. But that spark of romantisism coerces me to believe that it does exist. All i have to do is find it. Now if only it were that simple.
To ultimately get hold of it then becomes the aim of my existence. But there is one little problem. I will need to love it beyond everything in the world. I will need to accept for what it is and for it will transform me into. Considering the inevitable human quest for perfection, i might just spoil it. I remember the way i reduced my first academic love - physics - into a pitiful daily two hour exercise just so i could have a good grade to show to myself - Nothing dilutes love more than the quest for excellence.
I cannot help but imagine that every living being in our vast solar system is here for a reason. Each organism no matter how insignificant to the naked mind, is here for a reason. The irony being that we'd know the reason only after it has outlived its allotment in the timeline.
If we're all here for a reason, then what is it about man that he spends all his life after that one dream, that one impossibility, that one reason that is the reason for every breath he breathes, he toils day in and day out, night in and night out, and after achieving it, all he can muster is - 'Yeah. Did it. Now what?'
How many times have I thought about this. How many times i have stood at the edge of insanity and asked myself - What am i here for? Why was i born? Where is it that my ultimate reason lies?
Why does man have the power to choose his destiny? Isn't it a curse? A sugar coated poison?
Why does he not submit himself to the cosmos? Let fate decide what happens next.
Every avenue i look at in life asks me the one question i have come to despise - When's the next money shot?
Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Open your mind. Think about that one thing that you would like to do no matter what. That one dream that transcends time, geography, economy... everything. There's probably no such thing. But that spark of romantisism coerces me to believe that it does exist. All i have to do is find it. Now if only it were that simple.
To ultimately get hold of it then becomes the aim of my existence. But there is one little problem. I will need to love it beyond everything in the world. I will need to accept for what it is and for it will transform me into. Considering the inevitable human quest for perfection, i might just spoil it. I remember the way i reduced my first academic love - physics - into a pitiful daily two hour exercise just so i could have a good grade to show to myself - Nothing dilutes love more than the quest for excellence.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
The great escape
For many students and professionals today, the obvious career choice seems to be linked with successfully completing an MBA, in one way or the other.
Be it software professionals disillusioned by the Copy + Paste formula, or the Commerce Grads - tired of selling insurance policies and handing out loans.
It really forces one to think, is an MBA a well thought out career choice, or an escape from the present situation?
Having formally been a part of the B-school aspirant bandwagon (and perhaps still a part of it), I sometimes wonder how many students actually even know what the syllabi looks like before applying for B-school admissions. Does the brand value of the institute supersede the course content? Does the lure of a fat pay packet dilute your true calling?
And how does one react to the incessant preparation that goes on for the various 'Aptitude' tests for admissions to B-Schools... The way I look at it, if I have to prepare for something three hours a day, six months at a stretch, preferably in the Himalayas, then I don’t have the aptitude for it! Why would have to prepare for something if I had the aptitude for it!
Baffles me. Completely.
P.S. : If anyone happens to read this, please do leave your comments behind. I really want to know what your take on this is.
Be it software professionals disillusioned by the Copy + Paste formula, or the Commerce Grads - tired of selling insurance policies and handing out loans.
It really forces one to think, is an MBA a well thought out career choice, or an escape from the present situation?
Having formally been a part of the B-school aspirant bandwagon (and perhaps still a part of it), I sometimes wonder how many students actually even know what the syllabi looks like before applying for B-school admissions. Does the brand value of the institute supersede the course content? Does the lure of a fat pay packet dilute your true calling?
And how does one react to the incessant preparation that goes on for the various 'Aptitude' tests for admissions to B-Schools... The way I look at it, if I have to prepare for something three hours a day, six months at a stretch, preferably in the Himalayas, then I don’t have the aptitude for it! Why would have to prepare for something if I had the aptitude for it!
Baffles me. Completely.
P.S. : If anyone happens to read this, please do leave your comments behind. I really want to know what your take on this is.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Brothers in arms
Children of Adam,
Brothers in arms,
Why do we forget?
George is my brother, so is Laden.
Children of Adam,
Brothers in arms,
Why do we forget?
Why love mortals?
To mourn separation?
Love life,
When it goes, it sweeps you with it.
What will you then mourn, when you are with it always...
Brothers in arms,
Why do we forget?
George is my brother, so is Laden.
Children of Adam,
Brothers in arms,
Why do we forget?
Why love mortals?
To mourn separation?
Love life,
When it goes, it sweeps you with it.
What will you then mourn, when you are with it always...
Monday, May 29, 2006
Say Hello to Tony Montana
Captured Images stare at me
With smiles on their faces, all of them
I smile at my reflection,
It refuses to smile back.
The failures I quantify
They are so many
The blessings I turn to
Unquantifiable, irreplaceable, omnipresent.
Death is the end of life?No. Life is death. Life is a test.
Death is freedom from the shackles,
Death, is life - in a new world; out of the cage that is the body.
Give me fire. Give me reason to live, reason to fight.
Give me life i would live all over again
Give me a death i would like to die a hundred times.
Take my life when i am burning the brightest
Take my life when i have found reason to live.
Mairaj Zindran
With smiles on their faces, all of them
I smile at my reflection,
It refuses to smile back.
The failures I quantify
They are so many
The blessings I turn to
Unquantifiable, irreplaceable, omnipresent.
Death is the end of life?No. Life is death. Life is a test.
Death is freedom from the shackles,
Death, is life - in a new world; out of the cage that is the body.
Give me fire. Give me reason to live, reason to fight.
Give me life i would live all over again
Give me a death i would like to die a hundred times.
Take my life when i am burning the brightest
Take my life when i have found reason to live.
Mairaj Zindran
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Finding Neverland
I saw 'Finding Neverland' last year for the first time and have watched it everytime I have had a chance to since. In many ways, the movie reflected some of my own hidden emotions and ethoes to an extent that I am compelled to document it today.
The cast :
SIR J. M. BARRIE - Johnny Depp
SYLVIA LLEWELYN DAVIES - Kate Winslet
CHARLES FROHMAN - Dustin Hoffman
MARY ANSELL BARRIE - Radha Mitchell
PETER DAVIES - Freddie Highmore
Set in 1904, Finding Neverland is modelled around Sir. J.M. Barrie, the creator of such immortal classics as Peter Pan and Captain Hook. One of his plays fails on opening night, much to the chagrin of his financer Charles Frohman (Dustin Hoffman). Caught between his search for that one magical play and his failed marriage with Mary Ansell Barrie (Radha Mitchell), Barrie escapes the vagaries of the world by taking his dog out to walks in the park.
Barrie finds solace in the time he spends with Sylvia Llewelyn Davies (Kate Winslet), a high society widow, struggling to raise four sons in a still prejudiced society. The children, bereaved by their fathers' death, endear themselves to Barrie except for the youngest - Peter Davies (Freddie Highmore), who takes his time to open up to a stranger after his fathers death.
Barrie spends more and more time with the children and the widow, playing imaginary games with them, on imaginary ships, with imaginary pirates and imaginary animals. The time he spends with them acts as an escape for him from the seemingly material world and leads to his most immortal creation - Peter Pan.
Johnny Depp as Sir. Barrie is a revelation. Be it the dignity with which he tries to shut himself from his loveless marriage, the games he plays with the children or his silent love for the ailing Sylvia, he seems the very embodiment of the melancholic - forlorn writer.
The moment Sir Barrie conceptualizes Peter Pan - when he visualizes the children magically rising up into mid air, transports one into ones own magical childhood.
When Sylvia dies and Peter, with a tear in his eyes, asks Sir. Barrie "Why did she have to die?" and Barrie replies - "I don't know that boy", is perhaps the most heart wrenching moment in the movie.
Be it Sylvia's vehement denial of her illness, Barrie taking her into the imaginary 'Neverland', or the forced maturity of Peter after the loss of his father and then his mother, Finding Neverland is a treat to the aesthetic mind.
Mairaj Zindran
The cast :
SIR J. M. BARRIE - Johnny Depp
SYLVIA LLEWELYN DAVIES - Kate Winslet
CHARLES FROHMAN - Dustin Hoffman
MARY ANSELL BARRIE - Radha Mitchell
PETER DAVIES - Freddie Highmore
Set in 1904, Finding Neverland is modelled around Sir. J.M. Barrie, the creator of such immortal classics as Peter Pan and Captain Hook. One of his plays fails on opening night, much to the chagrin of his financer Charles Frohman (Dustin Hoffman). Caught between his search for that one magical play and his failed marriage with Mary Ansell Barrie (Radha Mitchell), Barrie escapes the vagaries of the world by taking his dog out to walks in the park.
Barrie finds solace in the time he spends with Sylvia Llewelyn Davies (Kate Winslet), a high society widow, struggling to raise four sons in a still prejudiced society. The children, bereaved by their fathers' death, endear themselves to Barrie except for the youngest - Peter Davies (Freddie Highmore), who takes his time to open up to a stranger after his fathers death.
Barrie spends more and more time with the children and the widow, playing imaginary games with them, on imaginary ships, with imaginary pirates and imaginary animals. The time he spends with them acts as an escape for him from the seemingly material world and leads to his most immortal creation - Peter Pan.
Johnny Depp as Sir. Barrie is a revelation. Be it the dignity with which he tries to shut himself from his loveless marriage, the games he plays with the children or his silent love for the ailing Sylvia, he seems the very embodiment of the melancholic - forlorn writer.
The moment Sir Barrie conceptualizes Peter Pan - when he visualizes the children magically rising up into mid air, transports one into ones own magical childhood.
When Sylvia dies and Peter, with a tear in his eyes, asks Sir. Barrie "Why did she have to die?" and Barrie replies - "I don't know that boy", is perhaps the most heart wrenching moment in the movie.
Be it Sylvia's vehement denial of her illness, Barrie taking her into the imaginary 'Neverland', or the forced maturity of Peter after the loss of his father and then his mother, Finding Neverland is a treat to the aesthetic mind.
Mairaj Zindran
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Happiness
A paycheck every month
Lasting till the 29th - two days of agony, then ecstacy
Happiness once a month.
Upto 12000 one, crashing all over the place the next
Fortunes swinging, this way to the other
Speculative happiness.
Hard earned pots of gold
Spent on wheels, driven 5000 miles albeit
Second hand happiness.
A match made in heaven
At $800m for each meandering
Alimony happiness.
Driving endurance to the very edge
Challenging milestones, overcoming the mind
End achieved - Happiness achieved.
Diving down a cliff
Leaving prejudice behind,
At one with the self, At one with Him,
The body cutting through the wind, or the soul dissolving in it?
Pristine... Pure... Happiness.
Mairaj Zindran
Lasting till the 29th - two days of agony, then ecstacy
Happiness once a month.
Upto 12000 one, crashing all over the place the next
Fortunes swinging, this way to the other
Speculative happiness.
Hard earned pots of gold
Spent on wheels, driven 5000 miles albeit
Second hand happiness.
A match made in heaven
At $800m for each meandering
Alimony happiness.
Driving endurance to the very edge
Challenging milestones, overcoming the mind
End achieved - Happiness achieved.
Diving down a cliff
Leaving prejudice behind,
At one with the self, At one with Him,
The body cutting through the wind, or the soul dissolving in it?
Pristine... Pure... Happiness.
Mairaj Zindran
Monday, May 15, 2006
Moments
On Saturday, the 13th of May, Liverpool played West Ham United in the final of the FA Cup 2006. They overame a one goal deficit twice, on one occasion in the 91st minute, to draw 3-3 at fulltime to take the game to extra time and finally to penalties, where Liverpool ultimately won 3-1.
After a disastrous own goal by Carragher which gave WHU a 1-0 lead, the tone seem to be set for a another big stage upset. But it was one man, Stevie Gerrard, who as always, proved just what his right foot is capable of, slamming in two equalizers and creating a chance for Cisse, who was more than happy to oblige.
That is exactly what this encounter will be remembered for - those magical moments.
Isn't this what life is all about? Are't our lives defined by those unforgettable moments.. some magical.. some plainly disastrous?
Gerrard's double blows against West ham, evoking memories of that unforgettable Champions league final in 2005 against AC Milan, will go on to define his life. His life and times will precipitate down to a few seconds, a few moments. Moments of glory, of pride, of self realisation, of jubiliation... of humble pride.
The history of the world hinges on moments. The symbolic tearing down of the Berlin wall, the historic(yet reluctant) handshake between Yasser Arafat and Yitzhak Rabin, Richard Nixon showing a shadow of an emotion on national television after the Watergate Scandal, Kapil Dev lifting the 1983 cricket world cup against all odds, Rubens Barichello getting his first grand prix victory in 128 starts, Alexander the Great's untimely death at 32.... the list is endless..
But what lends immortality to these moments does not lie in what transpired after them, but what could have transpired had these moments not taken place - Ever thought what the world map would look like had Alexander not had his untimely death?
Another fascinating aspect about these moments is that they either propel underdogs to stardom, or put a rude end to earstwhile behemoths.
Is it the law of averages at work? Or is it plain eccentric luck. Whatever it is, it teaches the world one thing.. sooner or later, there will be compensation, there will be redemption. It could take you higher than the stars, or push you to abyssmal depths of oblivion. Wherever it takes you, it will be...
After a disastrous own goal by Carragher which gave WHU a 1-0 lead, the tone seem to be set for a another big stage upset. But it was one man, Stevie Gerrard, who as always, proved just what his right foot is capable of, slamming in two equalizers and creating a chance for Cisse, who was more than happy to oblige.
That is exactly what this encounter will be remembered for - those magical moments.
Isn't this what life is all about? Are't our lives defined by those unforgettable moments.. some magical.. some plainly disastrous?
Gerrard's double blows against West ham, evoking memories of that unforgettable Champions league final in 2005 against AC Milan, will go on to define his life. His life and times will precipitate down to a few seconds, a few moments. Moments of glory, of pride, of self realisation, of jubiliation... of humble pride.
The history of the world hinges on moments. The symbolic tearing down of the Berlin wall, the historic(yet reluctant) handshake between Yasser Arafat and Yitzhak Rabin, Richard Nixon showing a shadow of an emotion on national television after the Watergate Scandal, Kapil Dev lifting the 1983 cricket world cup against all odds, Rubens Barichello getting his first grand prix victory in 128 starts, Alexander the Great's untimely death at 32.... the list is endless..
But what lends immortality to these moments does not lie in what transpired after them, but what could have transpired had these moments not taken place - Ever thought what the world map would look like had Alexander not had his untimely death?
Another fascinating aspect about these moments is that they either propel underdogs to stardom, or put a rude end to earstwhile behemoths.
Is it the law of averages at work? Or is it plain eccentric luck. Whatever it is, it teaches the world one thing.. sooner or later, there will be compensation, there will be redemption. It could take you higher than the stars, or push you to abyssmal depths of oblivion. Wherever it takes you, it will be...
Saturday, May 06, 2006
A Chronicle for the feeble
A conflagration within
Destroying prejudice,
Tempering the soul
There may be people better,
Surely some not so good as,But there's no one like you;
That's never enough is it ?
Climbing higher and higher,
Feeding desire only increases the blessed emotion,
Soon chants will emerge - 'Man for God! Man for God!'
I love you so much, I wait for you to go,
The soul trapped in your body;
Only then will it be with me forever
Hand over the reigns to the devil,
Only then will they learn to treasure You.
If it weren't for the animals.. there would be no rain on earth.
Let me fall in despair,
Let me get helpless in the wilderness,
Let me learn to cling on to that last hope, the hope of finding hope.
I search for a conscience on e-bay,
I put mine up for free, but it comes back to me.
What are we, just sharks in the sea?
My hands rise in prayer,
But they fear to ask for anything,
What if my wishes come true?
Lets get real low,
'As long as I get to have my way too, sling all your insinuations on me'
The motto of this world, it seems to be.
Mairaj Zindran
Destroying prejudice,
Tempering the soul
There may be people better,
Surely some not so good as,But there's no one like you;
That's never enough is it ?
Climbing higher and higher,
Feeding desire only increases the blessed emotion,
Soon chants will emerge - 'Man for God! Man for God!'
I love you so much, I wait for you to go,
The soul trapped in your body;
Only then will it be with me forever
Hand over the reigns to the devil,
Only then will they learn to treasure You.
If it weren't for the animals.. there would be no rain on earth.
Let me fall in despair,
Let me get helpless in the wilderness,
Let me learn to cling on to that last hope, the hope of finding hope.
I search for a conscience on e-bay,
I put mine up for free, but it comes back to me.
What are we, just sharks in the sea?
My hands rise in prayer,
But they fear to ask for anything,
What if my wishes come true?
Lets get real low,
'As long as I get to have my way too, sling all your insinuations on me'
The motto of this world, it seems to be.
Mairaj Zindran
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Destiny
In a couple of weeks Arsenal takes on Barcelona in the finals of the Champions league 2006.
After playing 180 minutes of diffident, pathetic, toothless and shamelessly defensive football, Arsenal beat Villareal in the semi-finals to set up their date with destiny in the finals.
It forces me to think.. is life all about destiny? That no matter how hard you run, you will fall short of the red ribbon if that's your destiny? Or for that matter, no matter what you do to blow yourself up, you will make for dinner if big brother destiny says so?
Thats about all the strength I have for writing today... I'm stuck up in office, desperately hallucinating about sleeping on a bed with 4 pillows.. knowing that that's not gonna happen for quite a few hours...
After playing 180 minutes of diffident, pathetic, toothless and shamelessly defensive football, Arsenal beat Villareal in the semi-finals to set up their date with destiny in the finals.
It forces me to think.. is life all about destiny? That no matter how hard you run, you will fall short of the red ribbon if that's your destiny? Or for that matter, no matter what you do to blow yourself up, you will make for dinner if big brother destiny says so?
Thats about all the strength I have for writing today... I'm stuck up in office, desperately hallucinating about sleeping on a bed with 4 pillows.. knowing that that's not gonna happen for quite a few hours...
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Parallel Lives
There's this small time food vendor a small distance away from my office premises. Everyday i see a number of rickshaw and truck drivers making a stop out there, eating whatever the shack has to offer. Come to think of it.. dont we live the same lives?
Working all day .. feelin hungry .. stopping for a quick snack .. off to work again.
Well, there is one difference, the WADS OF GREEN $$$
But really, all life is a mirror..if u look closely enough, u'll see that all of us ultimately lead parallel lives...
Working all day .. feelin hungry .. stopping for a quick snack .. off to work again.
Well, there is one difference, the WADS OF GREEN $$$
But really, all life is a mirror..if u look closely enough, u'll see that all of us ultimately lead parallel lives...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
The Gallows of my Heart
An unfulfilled dream – a crown of thorns…
Tomorrows’ desires – so close yet so far…
Tying me down, both of them,
This to the future, that to the past.
I try to make the present my abode.
Reflections of failures and shades of uncertainty
Make the present no more different –
‘tis the future I feared…will be the past I shall mourn.
I escape from the oceans of heartless sorrow
Into the drop within…
Little do I know, that the drop is an ocean –
Of endless regret, of unholy desire.
I am lost in transition, I am lost in the ocean.
I erect walls around me…
Walls of benediction; protecting me from uncertainties to come.
But the walls they deceive me, protecting me not from regrets of the past.
Nay. They are the walls of malice, of endemic ambivalence.
I look at the lines on my face…
A scar for each one on my heart.
I search in desperation, for that companionless wrinkle. I find… none.
C’est a la vie.
I wait for retribution, for that sweet dirge.
For then there shall be no regret, there shall be no fear.
For then I shall sleep… without the fear of wakening.
Mairaj Zindran
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Delusional Social Animal
We keep hearing this one -- Man is the most intelligent of all living beings, simply 'cz he can think for himself. Yeah, so do I; humankind IS at the top of the food chain.... and atop the culpable genocide chain.
But wouldnt it be fun for an instant to think of an alternative. That man is not remotely near the top of any chain at all ? That we are at the lowest of the lowest rung of every ladder possible of every concievable chain in every dark little corner of the universe?
Consider - man struggles day in and day out for that drink at the end of the day.. and all a dog has to do is lick his physically starved mistress or listen to his emotionally vaccumed master and presto -- he gets his doggy bag - FREE...... What if the dog were an unimaginably intelligent creature and knew that all he has to is to entertain his owner to get that free doggy packet.. What if he knew that and was taking advantage of that by having a little pity on a 40 yr old hag and a 30 yr old drunk emotional dimwit.
Imagine - man spends millions on building aircrafts that are more prone to crashes that George Bush's medula oblongata..but an eagle already knows how to navigate the skies.. What if the eagle could help man but wanted to keep all it's logistics to himself. What if the eagle takes sadistic pleasure in seeing a plan crash each time.. and massages it's narcissism each time it happens...
What if the entire animal race knew of it's superiority and planned an elaborate facade to act like dimwits and get the lower human race to work for it's pleasure....
What if? Yeah, what if?
But wouldnt it be fun for an instant to think of an alternative. That man is not remotely near the top of any chain at all ? That we are at the lowest of the lowest rung of every ladder possible of every concievable chain in every dark little corner of the universe?
Consider - man struggles day in and day out for that drink at the end of the day.. and all a dog has to do is lick his physically starved mistress or listen to his emotionally vaccumed master and presto -- he gets his doggy bag - FREE...... What if the dog were an unimaginably intelligent creature and knew that all he has to is to entertain his owner to get that free doggy packet.. What if he knew that and was taking advantage of that by having a little pity on a 40 yr old hag and a 30 yr old drunk emotional dimwit.
Imagine - man spends millions on building aircrafts that are more prone to crashes that George Bush's medula oblongata..but an eagle already knows how to navigate the skies.. What if the eagle could help man but wanted to keep all it's logistics to himself. What if the eagle takes sadistic pleasure in seeing a plan crash each time.. and massages it's narcissism each time it happens...
What if the entire animal race knew of it's superiority and planned an elaborate facade to act like dimwits and get the lower human race to work for it's pleasure....
What if? Yeah, what if?
Friday, April 07, 2006
The Indian Penchant
A little too early in the morning to put in a post... or maybe it's a little too late in the night. Nonetheless, who cares.
Today when I see loads of garbage strewn all over the streets of bombay and india, it compels me to look for answers - Why are we like this? Why do we do everything in our power to keep our dwellings clean, and not care a bee's hum for the world outside.
These questions take me to the days of the Non Coop movement, where MKG urged the Indian citizens too completely boycott British goods. I get the feeling that somehow the masses misinterpreted what MKG had to say. MKG wanted to drain out as much of the British income as he could, he wanted the people to realise that they too can stick it up to the British, no matter how insignificant that sticking up would be.
As I look at it, the masses misunderstood MKG as saying that India was better than the UK. He said - 'Boycott their clothes' They heard - 'Khadi is better'. He said - 'Boycott their schools' They heard - ' English education is evil' . He said - ' Love your nation' They heard - ' Hate the UK'.
From there on came avout a feeling of 'HOLIER THAN THOU' in the minds of the people.
Then, it was 'India holier than UK' .. Some years later 'INDIA HOLIER THAN PAK' .... now sadly, it is ' ME HOLIER THAN THOU'.
This compels me to theorize - is it this very feeling of HOLIER THAN THOU that is responsible for the garbage strewn streets we see all over the place?
Something like --
My colony holy
the footpath i despise
So that's where the garbage goes,
Come rain or sunrise.
We are so self indulgent that we just dont view ourselves in a holistic sence anymore.
We're so self obsessed that we believe that we are responsible only for our own selves and not for the aire around us.
People go around throwing their personal shit all over the place,
Industries arrogantly release affluents in erstwhile pristine lakes and streams
Nuclear waste is scattered all over the oceans and sees - who cares about the brooding salmon?
Ye, Im convinced - doubt if there can be any other explanation to this..........
Today when I see loads of garbage strewn all over the streets of bombay and india, it compels me to look for answers - Why are we like this? Why do we do everything in our power to keep our dwellings clean, and not care a bee's hum for the world outside.
These questions take me to the days of the Non Coop movement, where MKG urged the Indian citizens too completely boycott British goods. I get the feeling that somehow the masses misinterpreted what MKG had to say. MKG wanted to drain out as much of the British income as he could, he wanted the people to realise that they too can stick it up to the British, no matter how insignificant that sticking up would be.
As I look at it, the masses misunderstood MKG as saying that India was better than the UK. He said - 'Boycott their clothes' They heard - 'Khadi is better'. He said - 'Boycott their schools' They heard - ' English education is evil' . He said - ' Love your nation' They heard - ' Hate the UK'.
From there on came avout a feeling of 'HOLIER THAN THOU' in the minds of the people.
Then, it was 'India holier than UK' .. Some years later 'INDIA HOLIER THAN PAK' .... now sadly, it is ' ME HOLIER THAN THOU'.
This compels me to theorize - is it this very feeling of HOLIER THAN THOU that is responsible for the garbage strewn streets we see all over the place?
Something like --
My colony holy
the footpath i despise
So that's where the garbage goes,
Come rain or sunrise.
We are so self indulgent that we just dont view ourselves in a holistic sence anymore.
We're so self obsessed that we believe that we are responsible only for our own selves and not for the aire around us.
People go around throwing their personal shit all over the place,
Industries arrogantly release affluents in erstwhile pristine lakes and streams
Nuclear waste is scattered all over the oceans and sees - who cares about the brooding salmon?
Ye, Im convinced - doubt if there can be any other explanation to this..........
Thursday, April 06, 2006
The irony of it all
Hmmm Just another today.
I really feel odd when people say that they're here in this world to get to an end. To achieve something big. Come t0 think of it, the 'end', if veiwed in conjunction with what the world is really about is an irony in itself.
Take a long distance runner - he completes a lap, now - he could be happy that a lap has ended, or just plain pissed off 'cause he's got to run another one all over again! and another one, and another one, and another one.
And what about the days and nights! One ends, only to start 12 hours later. pfff!!
Yep, the end is nothing but a prelude to the beginning.....
Talking about days and nights.. have you ever wondered why people have this cruel fantasy for destruction ??? Think about it. People love watching an eclipse - what the hell is an eclipse, the suns overcoming, aint it boy??
We love watching a failed businessman immolate himself on the streets, but whos gonna watch a documentary on his life where he's wondering why he has to were nappies all day as a child?
We end up watching Nat Geo investigates -- and the best part of it is the Kill Score - 300 fall to a veritable mud slide (Slide - invariably brings out the Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from within)
And what about agony aunt. She don't want to sort out your life maaan. All she wants is to laugh her head off on your destruction when you think she's gonna sort it out.
C'mon now. Just the other day there was a whole section of a newspaper dedicated to Bjorn Bjorg - his career, his liaisons, and YES his destruction - in that he wanted to sell off his Wimbledon trophies for a secure financial future. Take a guess at part what i read :#
Talking of liaisons, i feel the most profitable business in the world today is the business of marriage - After all you can't spell Alimony without mon(e)y.
MONEY aaah yes money.... green wads sticking out of my pocket. Now im really serious about what i'm about to say - Money has truly messed up the world .TRULY.
......to be continued
I really feel odd when people say that they're here in this world to get to an end. To achieve something big. Come t0 think of it, the 'end', if veiwed in conjunction with what the world is really about is an irony in itself.
Take a long distance runner - he completes a lap, now - he could be happy that a lap has ended, or just plain pissed off 'cause he's got to run another one all over again! and another one, and another one, and another one.
And what about the days and nights! One ends, only to start 12 hours later. pfff!!
Yep, the end is nothing but a prelude to the beginning.....
Talking about days and nights.. have you ever wondered why people have this cruel fantasy for destruction ??? Think about it. People love watching an eclipse - what the hell is an eclipse, the suns overcoming, aint it boy??
We love watching a failed businessman immolate himself on the streets, but whos gonna watch a documentary on his life where he's wondering why he has to were nappies all day as a child?
We end up watching Nat Geo investigates -- and the best part of it is the Kill Score - 300 fall to a veritable mud slide (Slide - invariably brings out the Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from within)
And what about agony aunt. She don't want to sort out your life maaan. All she wants is to laugh her head off on your destruction when you think she's gonna sort it out.
C'mon now. Just the other day there was a whole section of a newspaper dedicated to Bjorn Bjorg - his career, his liaisons, and YES his destruction - in that he wanted to sell off his Wimbledon trophies for a secure financial future. Take a guess at part what i read :#
Talking of liaisons, i feel the most profitable business in the world today is the business of marriage - After all you can't spell Alimony without mon(e)y.
MONEY aaah yes money.... green wads sticking out of my pocket. Now im really serious about what i'm about to say - Money has truly messed up the world .TRULY.
......to be continued
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
next poem - Ten Thousand Desires
I look at my reflection,
The other side I desire to get on - touch my soul, feel my heart
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending the body, one of them.
I stand atop the world,
Jump down I desire to - then sour up, touch the heavens,
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending gravity, one of them.
I look back at the doors of the past,
That border I desire to cross, look back at the present; bemused? mocking? I do not know
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending time, one of them.
I hold on to the follies of the past,
That soul, I desire to hold - just one more time. Then, let it go.
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending love, one of them.
The riches of this world I behold,
I choose the wilderness instead - under His aegis
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending the world, one of them.
The dearly departed - I love them so,
Come hug me mother, just once...
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending death, one of them.
My desires, I look back on
How beautiful life would be without them !
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending desire, one of them.
Mairaj Zindran
The other side I desire to get on - touch my soul, feel my heart
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending the body, one of them.
I stand atop the world,
Jump down I desire to - then sour up, touch the heavens,
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending gravity, one of them.
I look back at the doors of the past,
That border I desire to cross, look back at the present; bemused? mocking? I do not know
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending time, one of them.
I hold on to the follies of the past,
That soul, I desire to hold - just one more time. Then, let it go.
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending love, one of them.
The riches of this world I behold,
I choose the wilderness instead - under His aegis
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending the world, one of them.
The dearly departed - I love them so,
Come hug me mother, just once...
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending death, one of them.
My desires, I look back on
How beautiful life would be without them !
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending desire, one of them.
Mairaj Zindran
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Fairy Tales
This was written on the night that Liverpool lifted the Champions League trophy in Istanbul in 2005, right after the epoch-making moment.
Fairy tales. How stereotypical can they get? They begin off on a happy note only for the scene to turn miserably, gut-wrenchingly sour. But then things roll and the end is again always just as sweet so that everyone can live happily ever after. Obviously, real life doesn’t exactly follow the Hans Christen Andersen script. Or does it? I saw VVS Laxman inspire India to an unfathomable series victory against Australia in 2001. I saw India perform uncharacteristically out of their skins to almost win a test series in Australia in 2003-04. I saw Greece redefine the phrase ‘fairy-tale ending’ at Euro ’04. And then I saw Liverpool pull off something similar last night in the Champions League final. Perhaps something greater(?) if not similar. Liverpool is a team that needed a Gerrard screamer against Olympiakos with 5 minutes left on the clock to keep them in the Champions League a few months back. A team that overcame that hiccup to play unbelievable football and overthrow Juventus and Chelsea (both, who have won their respective domestic leagues this season). A team that finished dismally below their reputation in the EPL (even below their Merseyside rivals to make it worse). A team that managed to score 3 goals in the space of 6 minutes against an Italian defence to level things when all seemed down and out. A team that lost one of its greatest icons, Michael Owen, at the beginning of the season. A team that might just manage to salvage their greatest remaining icon, Steven Gerrard, now that they’ve managed the unthinkable. So did the best team win the crown for the Champions of Europe last night? No. Harsh but true. But, that Liverpool, as of this moment, are the Champions of Europe, has been etched in stone. Such is life. Completely deviant from the normal, a dream and a romantic dream at that… but life nonetheless.
Makes me wonder. What really is the formula for scripting fairy tales in flesh and blood? Is it dedication and application? Or perhaps, focus and/or sound leadership. In Liverpool’s case, all the above should have added up to a better place in the domestic league along with their newfound European glory. Is it the ‘Underdog’ phenomenon? OK, so I’ve been a fan of the ‘underdog’ phenomenon for quite some time now. It’s so much easier to participate as an underdog. The expectations on you to perform are lower, all you have in mind is a dream and even if you lose, you win… sympathy. We have been all been labeled underdogs at some points in our lives. But has the fairy tale proven to be an accurate forecast in all those cases? Where’s our glory? They say luck favours the brave. But that too has been proved right and wrong an equal number of times to be judged conclusive either way.
I wonder if I’ll ever know what it really feels like to be a part of a fairy tale… especially the end. The romance of unwarranted success, the thrill of a victory against all odds. I want it all. At least once. I can only dream of a day, sometime in the ‘ever after’, when I can sit back and recall those better moments, “Once upon a time…”
Fairy tales. How stereotypical can they get? They begin off on a happy note only for the scene to turn miserably, gut-wrenchingly sour. But then things roll and the end is again always just as sweet so that everyone can live happily ever after. Obviously, real life doesn’t exactly follow the Hans Christen Andersen script. Or does it? I saw VVS Laxman inspire India to an unfathomable series victory against Australia in 2001. I saw India perform uncharacteristically out of their skins to almost win a test series in Australia in 2003-04. I saw Greece redefine the phrase ‘fairy-tale ending’ at Euro ’04. And then I saw Liverpool pull off something similar last night in the Champions League final. Perhaps something greater(?) if not similar. Liverpool is a team that needed a Gerrard screamer against Olympiakos with 5 minutes left on the clock to keep them in the Champions League a few months back. A team that overcame that hiccup to play unbelievable football and overthrow Juventus and Chelsea (both, who have won their respective domestic leagues this season). A team that finished dismally below their reputation in the EPL (even below their Merseyside rivals to make it worse). A team that managed to score 3 goals in the space of 6 minutes against an Italian defence to level things when all seemed down and out. A team that lost one of its greatest icons, Michael Owen, at the beginning of the season. A team that might just manage to salvage their greatest remaining icon, Steven Gerrard, now that they’ve managed the unthinkable. So did the best team win the crown for the Champions of Europe last night? No. Harsh but true. But, that Liverpool, as of this moment, are the Champions of Europe, has been etched in stone. Such is life. Completely deviant from the normal, a dream and a romantic dream at that… but life nonetheless.
Makes me wonder. What really is the formula for scripting fairy tales in flesh and blood? Is it dedication and application? Or perhaps, focus and/or sound leadership. In Liverpool’s case, all the above should have added up to a better place in the domestic league along with their newfound European glory. Is it the ‘Underdog’ phenomenon? OK, so I’ve been a fan of the ‘underdog’ phenomenon for quite some time now. It’s so much easier to participate as an underdog. The expectations on you to perform are lower, all you have in mind is a dream and even if you lose, you win… sympathy. We have been all been labeled underdogs at some points in our lives. But has the fairy tale proven to be an accurate forecast in all those cases? Where’s our glory? They say luck favours the brave. But that too has been proved right and wrong an equal number of times to be judged conclusive either way.
I wonder if I’ll ever know what it really feels like to be a part of a fairy tale… especially the end. The romance of unwarranted success, the thrill of a victory against all odds. I want it all. At least once. I can only dream of a day, sometime in the ‘ever after’, when I can sit back and recall those better moments, “Once upon a time…”
Saturday, March 18, 2006
next poem - awakening
I struggle through my strifes,
That elusive destination, I want to reach.
Why then, is that prize not enough ?
Why then, is so uneasy, that which I seek ?
All my existence, I have longed for this,
To the moon I have gazed, through the sun I have toiled
But that chimera - from a distance it seemed so enchanting
in perspective, was never my desire.
I humour myself - try to gain solace in what I have achieved
But what is achievement - a happy coincidence
What is achievement, an accidental stumbling upon coveted poisons.
I did not see..blinded I was
overtaken by lust for the prize
...The destination is only a punctuation
... an ephemeral high
Yes, 'tis the journey.. a reward in itself -
the successes I no longer rejoice
the failures I no longer grieve
I grieve the journeys gone by... I rejoice - the journeys to come
Let me now not travel.. from one high to another
but from one road to the next, from one toil to another
Let the journey now be my destination
Let me now journey, from one journey to another.
Mairaj Zindran
That elusive destination, I want to reach.
Why then, is that prize not enough ?
Why then, is so uneasy, that which I seek ?
All my existence, I have longed for this,
To the moon I have gazed, through the sun I have toiled
But that chimera - from a distance it seemed so enchanting
in perspective, was never my desire.
I humour myself - try to gain solace in what I have achieved
But what is achievement - a happy coincidence
What is achievement, an accidental stumbling upon coveted poisons.
I did not see..blinded I was
overtaken by lust for the prize
...The destination is only a punctuation
... an ephemeral high
Yes, 'tis the journey.. a reward in itself -
the successes I no longer rejoice
the failures I no longer grieve
I grieve the journeys gone by... I rejoice - the journeys to come
Let me now not travel.. from one high to another
but from one road to the next, from one toil to another
Let the journey now be my destination
Let me now journey, from one journey to another.
Mairaj Zindran
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Just another day...
Just another day
It’s just another morning, just another day. Not much has changed from yesterday, you guess. Your mind is blank but suddenly you think of her and you’re sure nothing has changed form yesterday. You dread the thought of college first thing in the morning but light up at the prospect of attending lab first up. You reach college a little late as usual, hoping hers will be among the first faces you see. But she turns up at the lab door some ten minutes later than you. You watch her wave out to someone at the door (you know who she’s waving out to) and then turn around only to catch you staring right back at her. She smiles at you and for a moment everything is bliss. She grabs the chair next to you and embarks on her everyday casual talk. You listen to every word because you don’t want to miss anything she says or does. Somewhere at the back of your mind you are thankful that nothing has changed from yesterday. The two hours at lab pass away speedily with the usual banter, her infectious laughter and the odd attempt at actual work. Then you are both out of there. Together. As usual. On the way back to class two floors up, she runs into some friends you don’t know. You walk away as she stays back to chat with them. But only till the next corner, where you stand waiting for her. You see her walking towards you a few minutes later. She notices you lurking around the corner and she stops in her tracks. You can see the surprise in her eyes. Just above that disarming smile on her mouth. She’s surprised that you actually waited for her. You reply that it was no big deal. You mean it. As you go up the stairs, she goes on about how you mustn’t pamper her. You smile silently knowing that that can never happen. You start talking about something else as you approach the classroom door. In the doorway, you realize she is not really listening to you any more. Her eyes scour the entire class till they settle on him. You stop talking midway through a sentence and realize that she didn’t even notice your incomplete sentence. You look at her in askance and see her eyes light like fireflies on a moonless night. And you know it’s him she has just found.
You’re a forgotten moment of the past as she hurries to catch the seat he has saved for her. You walk to your seat among your friends. The usual dose of remarks on how you entered with her again follow, but by now you are used to their ribbing. You know it’s no use explaining to them that there is nothing going between you and her. There can never be. You aren’t even among her best friends. She’s not your muse. It would be appalling to even think of her that way. You want to tell your friends that. But you don’t. You look at her a few benches away. She is laughing away and you notice her hands interlocked in his. It doesn’t pain anymore to see that. It did when she had just started going around with him. But not anymore. Now you are just happy to see her happy. As the day goes on, you get to speak to her off and on. In between classes, and sometimes during some boring ones, she turns around casually and your eyes meet. A smile greets another. But it’s not that novel anymore. Your heart doesn’t race or skip a beat at every look or smile from her. At least not at every look or smile. You think of the times when it did. You comprehend that you still like her as much as you did back then. Actually even more.
College ends and she leaves with her hands firmly grasping his. No ‘bye’ or ‘see you tomorrow’. You like it better that way. At least it doesn’t hurt if she misses a ‘goodbye’ when you are not expecting one. She calls late that evening just as you are about to fall asleep. Her last call was nearly a month ago. It’s about a report at college. You move on to other topics. In between all the mirth and gossip, you realize that you have been on the phone with her for over an hour now. Just like old times, you reminisce. She tells you about an irrational quarrel she had with him earlier and how miffed she is. You smile serenely over the phone because you sense a déjà vu. You talk to her about how close they both actually are and how much they like each other. You try to talk some sense into her and get her to forget her scrap with him. When all’s sorted out, she thanks you and remarks about how you always get her out of the mess she manages to get into every other time. You know you’ve had the same conversation with her before. You want to tell her how much she means to you, how fond you are of her. But you don’t. You just fake a laugh and tell her to hang up and go to sleep. Yet again. She makes a comment about how sweet you are to her. And she hangs up. As you get ready to fall asleep, you begin to rue taking her phone call. You know now, thoughts of her will lurk endlessly in your head. You begin the same old conversation with yourself. Again. Are you in love with her? You disagree. It’s been 5 years since the only time you thought you were in love. And you think of your ‘love’ all that time ago. That ‘love’ who hadn’t bothered calling up even once in all those years. That ‘love’ in whose pain you wallowed for a long time even after you had realized that she just didn’t care. That ‘love’ who had called you her friend but had turned fiend. You float back into the present. No, this couldn’t be love. You don’t want this to be love. You don’t want her to be your love. Not after your first brush with ‘love’. You consider ‘infatuation’, but immediately discard that. She isn’t just an infatuation. She never was. You remind yourself that you don’t want her to be with you. You know she is happy with him. Without you. You want to see her happy. Always. But isn’t that true love? True love. Another one of your hated romantic clichés. An incredible myth. A terrible truth? Your mind is in utter turmoil now, but when is it not? Suddenly you want to hate her for making your life and thoughts so complex. But the very next moment, you work out that you can never hate her. You love her. But you don’t want to love her. Damn, how you hate that word …
You feel that you are putting yourself to sleep thinking of her yet again. You sense that it’s just another night. You drift into the surreal unconsciousness that is sleep. Tomorrow you will see her at lab again. You will see her holding his hand sometime during the day. You will see her smiling at you again. But what matters most is that you will see her. It will be just another day...
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