Dedicated to TJ. (No, it's not a dead person. Can't one make a dedication to someone alive? Sheesh!)
A couple of days ago TJ and I were having a casual chat on life and other stuff. Our conversations, as is now a custom, start off with the normal 'Hi-s' and 'Hows it goin Dawg', move on to discussions about street food and gourmet desserts, take a pit-stop on the desi bashing station and ultimately end with a crazy business idea or two that we know will change the course of history if it were ever to take off.
Note to reader - By 'change the course of history' I mean change the course of our history. We'd probably end up bankrupt and in huge debt if we carried out our ideas. But there's always an escape plan ready - fake your death and start a new life in mexico. Why mexico? - I don't want the 4 years I spent learning Spanish to count for nothing.
Ok back to reality. So during the conversation yours truly has a brain wave and decides that a Netflix type service for desis would be a good business plan. To which TJ retorts - 'Ok, How will it work?' I am tempted to say - 'Decades later when my autobiography is out, it's gonna have a chapter that describes how it worked'. In fact I even have a draft of the chapter ready. Here's how it goes -
Chapter xx
For 7 days he worked his ass out.
On the 8th day he rested.
On the 9th, he had to escape to Mexico.
However better sense prevails and I conclude that such a service would never work. Desis are a stingy people and hate paying for anything! We are born with special bargaining chromosomes in our bodies and they're pretty darn resilient! It took me years of core strengthening workouts and abstinence from spicy Indian food to get rid of them.
Note to reader - Spice Indian food has no connection whatsoever with the bargaining chromosome. It just doesn't go well with core strengthening workouts.
However I have had some time to reflect on this business idea and think I may have just found a way to implement it and not have to escape to Mexico after all. But before, a short lesson on Indian geography and social structure.
India is a country where people have a very strong regional identity. Regional identity however always needs to piggyback on a catalyst to thrive. And this catalyst needs to change at regular intervals of time so as to keep the regional identity fresh and kicking. In the early post-independence era this catalyst was language. After all the Indian states were divided on the basis of languages. Over the course of years this catalyst has taken different forms. Such as -
- Food: Believe it or not a regional party (ahem) in Bombay centered its civic body election campaign around setting up Vada Pav stalls in the city. Never mind that most of the stalls they setup were illegal. Not to be left behind, one of the opposition parties centered it's campaign around kanda poha. City welfare and development be damned!
- Actors: In a country obsessed with celebrities and movies this should not really come as surprise. South India is particularly obsessed with its actors. There were riots in bangalore when thespian actor Raj Kumar died in 2006. I shudder at what's gonna happen when Rajnikanth dies. I wouldn't want to be anywhere down south when that happens!
Lest I forget, actors with embarrassing bit parts in Tom Cruise action flicks also count. Unfortunately.
- Sportspersons (Which in India is equivalent to cricketers ): Want to know how much regional/national pride we associate with cricketers? Take a look at this (it's one of many!) It's no wonder that banners of other countries' sports fans are much more imaginative and cheeky - exhibit.
-National monuments: Yes sir! You got that right! We'll defile 'em and scam on 'em but don't get us wrong! They're part our heritage and we loooove 'em.
- Scientists/ researchers/ astronauts: Never mind that a lot of them are not even Indian citizens. The fact that they have desi names and are of Indian origin is reason enough for the population to go ballistic and call up TV studios to wish them happy birthday on a special one hour episode dedicated to their lives. Oh and yeah, the birthday wishes just flash on the TV screen. They don't really reach the intended recipient.
Having given you an idea of the extent of desi regionalistic pride, here are a few ideas that can catapult the desi netflix proposal to dizzying heights of profitability and fame.
- Superimpose Rajnikanth's face on every cricketers body of every season of the Indian Premier League. Charge a 100 bucks for streaming a full season. Early birds get to watch the whole season with original players faces for free. Before you know it, the whole of southern India would have paid for all your future vacations.
- Ever heard of the streak? Replace the Undertaker's face from all his Wrestlemania matches with Sourav Ganguly's and his opponents with Greg Chappell (For a bit of background, read this). Stream every match at 50 bucks a piece and you'll probably be made honorary mayor of West Bengal.
- There's a ton of pictures of Barack Obama eating stuff on the internet. Photoshop all the foods with vada pav and sell the posters at 50 bucks a piece. Not only will Obama become Mumbai's poster boy and be christened honorary Marathi Manoos (dweller of Maharashtra) by a particular right wing regional political party (ahem) but you'll also probably make enough money out of it to buy a studio apartment in Bandra.
Note to reader - Oh Bandra! Home sweet home!
You're probably thinking I'm taking my tirade too far and am being more than just a tad offensive to make my point. But I haven't even made my point yet! Over the course of the past few days I have realized that a large chunk of the world population and very large chunk of Indians lives it's life through others. For some odd reason we derive more satisfaction from actors fake-beating thugs on screen while flashing their digitally enhanced abs, from cricketers smashing a last ball six or even from foreign dignitaries sampling our local cuisine than we do from our own lives.
So here's my point - Get a life. It's probably the best thing you'll ever do.
