The Godfather – A desi software engineer’s tale of woes

Amritlal Banarasiya looked at his face in the rearview mirror of his 1990 Toyota Camry. It looked different, mostly because he hadn't dyed his hair in more than a fortnight. He thought to himself - 'to get the lush night of my hair back, I must go to the Don. Only he can transform me from a graying knight to the dark knight again'. It wasn't that he couldn't order a box of hair die from the nearest pharmacy. It was that like most desis in the software industry, Banarasiya was a penny pincher and did not want to pay the extra quarter for the dye. 'I can get a bottle of masala milk for a quarter back in India', he thought. Salivating at the thought of the masala milk he took the turn that led to the driveway of the Godfathers apartment.

He knocked at the door and obediently waited for the door to open. It was opened by Dildar supariwala. Dildar was always at the Godfathers side. He was never one to work. Instead he spent all his time at work looking up cheap deals on electronics, clothes, coasters, socks and breakfast cereal for the Godfather on the Internet. The Godfather, in return, had all of his workload shifted on the shoulders of Rathi Lampani, his caporegime at offshore. The Godfather was at work on his laptop when Amrit entered the apartment. Everyone was expected to wait for him to finish his work when he was on his laptop. Dildar glanced from the corner of his eye at the Godfather. His face was tense. He instantly knew what the problem was. The client had written an email to the Don whose english, he could not comprehend. In fact Dildar was even sure that the Don did not even know what 'comprehend' meant. 'He's probably chatting with Lampani who is translating the clients email for him', he thought. After a few moments a smile came over the Godfathers face. (Not only had Rathi translated the email, he had also drafted a reply for the Don to send later that night).

The Godfather looked up at his uninvited guest. He knew what he was here for, and had already decided that Amrit wasn't going to get what he wanted without playing a little hardball. Finally after blindly sending out the email that Rocco had sent him to the client, the Don looked up at him. (Finally! Thought Amrit. 'I'm sure I whitened more just standing here')

The Don gave out a subdued belch, a result of the kachoris that his mother in law sent him every fortnight from Jamnagar. The belch nearly took Amrit with it and knocked him out. He somehow gather himself together and started his woeful tale - 'I believe in America. America had made my fortune (before I blew it out in the casino and came back to make it work all over again. I kept my hair in the American fashion. I conditioned it, dyed it and gelled it. But I never let go of my honour; I never stopped using the coconut oil I got from India. Yesterday I went to the pharmacy, and to my dismay the hair dye cost was up by 25 cents. 25 cents! I pleaded and begged for the salesman to sell it to me at the original price, but he wouldn't. Dejected I stepped towards the counter to buy a pack from the new stock at the new price. Just then my eye caught two men buying off the entire old stock at the old price! With an additional 2 p.c. off because they bought the whole stock. I pleaded with them to give me a piece too, but they just smiled at me! Smiled at me! I thought to myself - for the dye I must go to the Godfather.
The Don was happy, but his face betrayed no emotion. Or rather he kept his lips shut because he didn’t want to let out another belch and embarrass himself. Banarasiya, Banarasiya', he replied. What have I ever done for you to treat me so disrespectfully? You don't shop at the same stores as me, you don't have a haircut at the same mall as I do, don't spend time with me on the weekends?'
'That’s coz I stay 27 miles from here' replied Amritlal Banarasiya, (adding a 'You dimwit!' inside his head.
The Don lapsed into deep thought with a serious expression on this face. ('Ah what the fuck! He stays 27 miles away, what use is he to me?')
He turned to Dildar and said - 'Have two bottles of dye delivered to him. And make sure someone with black hair goes to deliver them, the graying ones always take off with the bottles and dye their own hair with it'.

2 - Dildar supariwala
Dildar supariwala was growing weary of the Don. By his earlier estimates, the Don would have been at onsite for not more than a year. He had however spent more than 2 years and there was no sign of him leaving. Dildar was a desperate man and was always looking for an opportunity to ascend as the new Don. He finally sensed one. The godfather used to lend out his vacuum cleaner every week to one team members' families in turn to clean up his home - free of cost. But Dildar knew that the Don never did anything free of cost, he was a man of principles. Only later would he realize that the Don would visit the apartment of the borrower that week to 'inspect' how clean the house was. While he was at it, he would eat a hearty meal at the borrowers home, as compensation for the vacuum. Here is where he sensed his opportunity - he suggested to Fareed (the backup project manager) that the free dinners be stopped. That the vacuum be given out free of cost and the borrowers be told that they should accept the day with the vacuum as a gift. 'Some day, and that day may never come, we shall call upon them to return this favour' he said to Fareed.

3 - Fareed
Fareed was as gullible a manager as they come; he was the backup project manager of the module. The only reason he was at onsite was because he took care of all organizational level activities for the Don, who had Fareed believe that this would move him up the hierarchy. Not that this was entirely untrue, but such was the genius of the Don - you never once suspected that it was his ass you were ultimately licking.

3 - Michael
Fareed brought this topic up at an opportune time with the Don - just after he received his overtime allowance (Extra money always made the Godfather happy). The Don however, was not impressed. 'I cannot let go of the weekly lunch', he thought. 'How can I let it go of it when the rest of the week I live on the free candy at the office reception?' At such moments of desperation, he always turned to Michael. Michael was his trusted lieutenant, the project manager. It took a lot of coaxing for him to get Michael onsite, as he was never interested in the rat race that everyone was in. However, for reasons which Michael himself did not quite understand, he came.
On a lazy Saturday afternoon, the Don took Michael out for (a free)lunch at the community aid center and brought him up to date with the vacuum crisis. 'How can we let the vacuum business die out Michael? It's part of the great American dream. I bought it from my boss for $50. Look how many meals I have enjoyed in exchange for the 50 bucks. It's Gods blessing, a heirloom, and a tradition. A tradition I cannot forego, one you must protect for me at any cost. Michael went into a mini fantasy where he plunged the vacuum into the Don’s ass. He cut his fantasy short thinking of the $25 bucks he would eventually have to pay up to him to repair the vacuum. Not that he minded paying the 25, but hated that he would have to hear the Don whine about the repair cost while having a rectal examination lying on his stomach at the makeshift 'hospital' of the downtown quack. He pulled himself together and told the Don the words he always told him in times of a crisis - 'It will be done'.

Michael however, had ambitions of his own. He sensed his opportunity in the Dons predicament. He always cringed at the Dons way of working and the coterie of yes men he had surrounded himself with. Not only did he decide to help the Don, but also pledged to play his own cards to ascend up the hierarchy as the new Don himself. The one piece of the puzzle that troubled him though was Dildar. He was certain he could take care of Fareed and that the Don would ultimately die choking himself on the free candy he enjoyed at the reception. But Dildar wouldn't be so easy- what if the other software families agreed with his designs for the vacuum? Going against the families was one thing he hoped he would never have to do. And with him at the horizon, it would be impossible for Michael to become the new Don.

4 - The Plan
Pushing all thoughts of Dildar supariwala aside for the moment, Micheal decided to get to work with the rest of his plan.

It was the 2nd Wednesday of the month, which was the day Michael had his calls with every team member. Technically speaking, the teams' grievances were discussed on this call - every team member was subliminally told that if they didn't do the work assigned to them, their grievances would increase. Michael decided to bring up Fareed's case while they were together at lunch at the local foot-long place. Since it was a public place, Fareed would be less likely to create a scene. Not because it was a public place, but because Fareed's brain would be too dumbstruck ogling at the firang babes to say anything.
'Fareed', started Michael, 'Let me get straight to the point. You tried to go against the project. Never go against the project. You tried to undermine the Don. I know he's an asshole, but he's the Don and we never go against him, no matter what. Why don't you take some time off and think about what you did. Go to Jersey on a vacation for a week, it's gonna do you good. And while you're at it, get me a stock of Paratha's from that Indian store there, NYC is too damn expensive.

With Fareed out of the picture, Michael turned his attention to the next phase of the plan.
The Don had put him in charge of all resource related meetings with the client. This was part of his job that Michael hated the most. 'I am a technical guy for Gods sake! This is not my job', he always screamed in his head. But within these sickening meeting invites and murky resource handling practices lay his redemption. And he had enough foresight to recognize that. At the next client meeting, he would put his plan into action.

5 - The Meeting
Michael was present for the meeting 5 minutes before the designated hour. He was never early for these meetings, more often than not he was the last one to come in. His job would be tough and he very well recognized that, after all the economic recession was still in full effect and the client was showing all signs of moving to less expensive vendors. After the mandatory formalities with the client, Michael began what would be, by his own honest admission the most pathetic soliloquy he ever indulged in -
'Dean', he started - 'I'm going to cut a long story short. I know that you're planning to move to cheaper vendors. I know that you're not completely satisfied with the way we're working. I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.
You want to cut costs, you want better performance, and you want more enthusiasm. I'm going to give it to you. Fareed's out - he's absconding since a week and we don't where he is. I'm taking him off the team, he's no good. He's growing fat and spoiling your chairs with his weight. Looking at this balding profile picture on the intranet site, the development team doesn't want him to test any of the codes they write. Whether they don't want him to tear any more of his hair out trying to understand the code, or they just don't like him -I don't know. But why take the risk? In his place, I'm going to give you two resources, one of them free. They'll be younger, flat-stomached, not balding and they're going work well too.'
So engrossed was Michael in this well rehearsed proposal that he didn't realize that the client was on another call on his almost invisible Bluetooth headset all this while. All the client said was -'Cut costs? Yeah go ahead and do that.' Michael was a relieved man. Not only because the client had agreed to his proposal in principle, but also because he was sure he would kill himself if he had to say what he just did all over again. After all, all he had talked about to anyone in the past week was his proposal - to his fiancé over the phone (who switched to writing love letters to him in pptx format hoping that he would mistake it for his proposal and open it), to the office receptionist (who only smiled at him, clenching her fists all the while ready to break his teeth if her patience ran out), he even put it up on his blog 37 times (rumour has it that this post inspired Karan Johar to make 'My name is Khan' where Khan says the words 'My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist' exactly 37 times).
Leaving the conference room, Michael turned to the client and uttered the words - 'And Barzini's a pimp'. 'Who's Barzini?', shot back the client? 'No one', Michael replied, 'I just like that line'.

Michael still had a problem, or rather two problems - From where would he get a free resource? How would he ever get rid of Dildar supariwala?


5 - Going to the Mattresses
To get rid of Dildar, Michael decided to go to the mattresses ('Going to the mattresses' is a phrase used in the IT industry. When the 'ergonomic' chairs of the offshore offices finally crack the backs of the ‘engineers’, they work from home on laptops lying flat on their stomachs on mattresses). As the offshore team went to the mattresses trying to find bugs in codes written in Dildar serious enough to eliminate him, Michael made a phone call to Ashu Nehra. Ashu Nehra was one of Michael’s friends from his offshore days, they would buy a single cigarette between the two and smoke it together and ..... that's about it, they only smoked together. Not because they were good friends, but because the offshore salary was only enough for them to share cigarettes. Nehra had left the project a couple of years ago to pursue an MBA. With the recession hitting in, Michael was sure Nehra would not have another offer letter in hand after his MBA, making this his best chance to swoop in and grab him. A little coaxing, the lure of onsite and an expression of a fake desire to smoke Army Cut cigarettes together was all it took for Nehra to say yes. 'He will bring with him a carton of Army Cut', thought Michael to himself. At $20 an hour multiplied 8 hours a day multiplied by 5 working days a week multiplied by 4 weeks a month multiplied by 12 months a year, these would be the most expensive cigarettes Michael would ever smoke - Ashu Nehra was the free resource.

Cut to Dildar. After weeks of being on the mattresses, the offshore team finally found codes written by him that printed the database passwords in the log files in full glory for everyone to see. Going by the audit rules, this password should never be visible to anyone apart from the onsite team and the 100 odd offshore members that would shout out the passwords every Friday night after binge drinking sessions at their preferred bars. But that was not what would nail the perpetual Don-in-waiting. The passwords all turned out to be phrases that were often used by the client. The client got pissed, Dildar got burned. Flying came Rathi Lampani from offshore to take his place. Michael knew this was not a turn of fortune. He chuckled at the countless times he subliminally hinted Supariwala to use the boss’s catchphrases as passwords. 'It would be easier to remember' Michal always told him.

6 - The new Don
Michael tried so hard to eliminate Fareed and Dildar that he forgot that the ultimate roadblock between him and the Dons chair was the Godfather himself. 'If things we were to go by the book, the Don would be dead by now' he thought to himself. But this tale wasn't going by the book and one day the Don came charging into Michael’s cabin and announced 'I'm off to do a one year MBA, so long suckers!'
'Ah what the fuck!' Michael thought, 'surely his final year business plan would be modeled around a creaky old vacuum cleaner, and this time someone would positively violate him with it's hose'.

With the dust settled on the matter, the vacuum was now up again for free use by the great software families. As Michael wrapped up the team grievances call (and added to the team’s grievances) for the first time as the new Don, he noticed Ashu Nehra chomping on a glazed bun he bought earlier from Dinky donuts. He looked up at Nehra and the kachoris that the Godfather gave him moments before he boarded the flight back home. The gooey chutni oozing out of the kachori made his stomach churn. He looked up at Nehra again and quietly said to him ‘Drop the bun, take the kachori’