Indifferent

I have no idea on how to start this one. The past few months have been a revelation of sorts, although I am a little ambivalent about whatever's happened.

First of' things are looking good professionally (although I must admit that they never looked bad in the first place). Got made the module lead, and that's made me perform better, feel more comfortable and miss 'The Office' at 9pm thursdays on Star World. The office is making me miss 'The Office'. Wow.

Completed the first level certification of Spanish (Certificado Basico). Yeaaa! A picture of the certificate will soon find its way out here. Have the second level exam this sunday, and by a conservative estimate, i'm more than likely to screw it up. Uh oh. Insha Allah, i'll find time to study and all will be well.

Have managed to control my diet and i'm starting to fit into my old trousers again.
The visits to the gym are more frequent and that much more focussed.
May the rest of mankind covet my physique (some day)!

If there is something I'd like to see change, it's me Goddamn indifference about things. I must learn to care more often. About people, and myself. Maybe it's the result of a lot of botteling (is the spelling correct?) up that's been taking place inside me since I don't know when. But it's got to change. It is changing, but a tad too slow for my liking. Am I developing an alter ego? One that knows that something in me needs a change but never actually facilitates the change, knowing that if things do turn around, it will be forgotten? Talk about an alter ego having an ego!

While we're talking about change, I shaved my beard for the first time in more than a couple of years, and plan on having longer locks and maybe even streaking them white. Ahem. BTW, i'm looking 23 again now that the beard's gone.

It somehow seems to me that I've not valued a lot of the good stuff that life has offered me (Is the grammar correct). See... even now I'm concentrating more on the grammar than on what I have to say. Or maybe, life's leaving me behind ... to work long hours in the office, to blow out nicotine-filled smoke from my mouth, to blog incoherent thoughts (?) I need to reach out to people, be more accessible, less caught up within my own affairs, just be ... more. But maybe I need to reach into myself first, and take out that shred of chicken stuck between my teeth. (The veils are always drawn, even on the blog. Sigh.)

Maybe I'm one of those people that has to be discovered. Maybe I'm a no show on my own and need another compound to enable a chemical reaction.

A retrospection tells me that I really never had a personality in the past. Or rather I tried so hard to fit in that I just lost the notes that told me who I was un the first place. And the paradox about it is that when you've finally begun to fit in - POOOF! there's an entirely new set of people around you and you have to fit in all over again. Much more tiresome than it sounds.

The lack of a personal definition, the lack of a coherent knowledge about what you are isn't really that bad. It lets you observe - without prejudice, without dogma, without interest (!). Not that someday I'll be presented with a Nobel Award for Observation; just that's it's very satisfying to recognize that you have that ability of being able to relate to people and understand them without having your thought processes compromised by your own definitions of good bad ugly right wrong bingo wheeee woopeee sob grrrr etc etc. Wonderful! I say. Just wheeeeeee! (Oops! That's my definition of wheeeeee!)

Another thing that's been hogging me for a long time is the fact that people tend to replace their failures. I know of a (now) diligently religious girl and have this stinging feeling that she is so now because a lot of stuff that's gone wrong in her life. Now it's not bad being religious you know, but replacement just doesn't work. When you do something, embrace something, it rather be because you love it and want it more than anything else. Don't replace a sour relationship with cannabies .. a lost promotion with bench presses. And...i'm not really sure God likes playing second fiddle.
The structures that make up your life would be better off mutually exclusive than anything else. (This reminds me of Set Theory - grrr followed by a sob).

P.S. - I think the blog name needs a change. Any suggestions?

Many thanks to The Neverknown for reminding me that I blog.

Mummy(RIP) I love you.