next poem - Ten Thousand Desires

I look at my reflection,
The other side I desire to get on - touch my soul, feel my heart
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending the body, one of them.

I stand atop the world,
Jump down I desire to - then sour up, touch the heavens,
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending gravity, one of them.

I look back at the doors of the past,
That border I desire to cross, look back at the present; bemused? mocking? I do not know
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending time, one of them.

I hold on to the follies of the past,
That soul, I desire to hold - just one more time. Then, let it go.
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending love, one of them.

The riches of this world I behold,
I choose the wilderness instead - under His aegis
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending the world, one of them.

The dearly departed - I love them so,
Come hug me mother, just once...
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending death, one of them.

My desires, I look back on
How beautiful life would be without them !
Ten thousand desires,
Transcending desire, one of them.


Mairaj Zindran

Fairy Tales

This was written on the night that Liverpool lifted the Champions League trophy in Istanbul in 2005, right after the epoch-making moment.

Fairy tales. How stereotypical can they get? They begin off on a happy note only for the scene to turn miserably, gut-wrenchingly sour. But then things roll and the end is again always just as sweet so that everyone can live happily ever after. Obviously, real life doesn’t exactly follow the Hans Christen Andersen script. Or does it? I saw VVS Laxman inspire India to an unfathomable series victory against Australia in 2001. I saw India perform uncharacteristically out of their skins to almost win a test series in Australia in 2003-04. I saw Greece redefine the phrase ‘fairy-tale ending’ at Euro ’04. And then I saw Liverpool pull off something similar last night in the Champions League final. Perhaps something greater(?) if not similar. Liverpool is a team that needed a Gerrard screamer against Olympiakos with 5 minutes left on the clock to keep them in the Champions League a few months back. A team that overcame that hiccup to play unbelievable football and overthrow Juventus and Chelsea (both, who have won their respective domestic leagues this season). A team that finished dismally below their reputation in the EPL (even below their Merseyside rivals to make it worse). A team that managed to score 3 goals in the space of 6 minutes against an Italian defence to level things when all seemed down and out. A team that lost one of its greatest icons, Michael Owen, at the beginning of the season. A team that might just manage to salvage their greatest remaining icon, Steven Gerrard, now that they’ve managed the unthinkable. So did the best team win the crown for the Champions of Europe last night? No. Harsh but true. But, that Liverpool, as of this moment, are the Champions of Europe, has been etched in stone. Such is life. Completely deviant from the normal, a dream and a romantic dream at that… but life nonetheless.

Makes me wonder. What really is the formula for scripting fairy tales in flesh and blood? Is it dedication and application? Or perhaps, focus and/or sound leadership. In Liverpool’s case, all the above should have added up to a better place in the domestic league along with their newfound European glory. Is it the ‘Underdog’ phenomenon? OK, so I’ve been a fan of the ‘underdog’ phenomenon for quite some time now. It’s so much easier to participate as an underdog. The expectations on you to perform are lower, all you have in mind is a dream and even if you lose, you win… sympathy. We have been all been labeled underdogs at some points in our lives. But has the fairy tale proven to be an accurate forecast in all those cases? Where’s our glory? They say luck favours the brave. But that too has been proved right and wrong an equal number of times to be judged conclusive either way.

I wonder if I’ll ever know what it really feels like to be a part of a fairy tale… especially the end. The romance of unwarranted success, the thrill of a victory against all odds. I want it all. At least once. I can only dream of a day, sometime in the ‘ever after’, when I can sit back and recall those better moments, “Once upon a time…”

next poem - awakening

I struggle through my strifes,
That elusive destination, I want to reach.
Why then, is that prize not enough ?
Why then, is so uneasy, that which I seek ?

All my existence, I have longed for this,
To the moon I have gazed, through the sun I have toiled
But that chimera - from a distance it seemed so enchanting
in perspective, was never my desire.

I humour myself - try to gain solace in what I have achieved
But what is achievement - a happy coincidence
What is achievement, an accidental stumbling upon coveted poisons.

I did not see..blinded I was
overtaken by lust for the prize
...The destination is only a punctuation
... an ephemeral high

Yes, 'tis the journey.. a reward in itself -
the successes I no longer rejoice
the failures I no longer grieve
I grieve the journeys gone by... I rejoice - the journeys to come

Let me now not travel.. from one high to another
but from one road to the next, from one toil to another
Let the journey now be my destination
Let me now journey, from one journey to another.


Mairaj Zindran

Just another day...

Just another day

It’s just another morning, just another day. Not much has changed from yesterday, you guess. Your mind is blank but suddenly you think of her and you’re sure nothing has changed form yesterday. You dread the thought of college first thing in the morning but light up at the prospect of attending lab first up. You reach college a little late as usual, hoping hers will be among the first faces you see. But she turns up at the lab door some ten minutes later than you. You watch her wave out to someone at the door (you know who she’s waving out to) and then turn around only to catch you staring right back at her. She smiles at you and for a moment everything is bliss. She grabs the chair next to you and embarks on her everyday casual talk. You listen to every word because you don’t want to miss anything she says or does. Somewhere at the back of your mind you are thankful that nothing has changed from yesterday. The two hours at lab pass away speedily with the usual banter, her infectious laughter and the odd attempt at actual work. Then you are both out of there. Together. As usual. On the way back to class two floors up, she runs into some friends you don’t know. You walk away as she stays back to chat with them. But only till the next corner, where you stand waiting for her. You see her walking towards you a few minutes later. She notices you lurking around the corner and she stops in her tracks. You can see the surprise in her eyes. Just above that disarming smile on her mouth. She’s surprised that you actually waited for her. You reply that it was no big deal. You mean it. As you go up the stairs, she goes on about how you mustn’t pamper her. You smile silently knowing that that can never happen. You start talking about something else as you approach the classroom door. In the doorway, you realize she is not really listening to you any more. Her eyes scour the entire class till they settle on him. You stop talking midway through a sentence and realize that she didn’t even notice your incomplete sentence. You look at her in askance and see her eyes light like fireflies on a moonless night. And you know it’s him she has just found.

You’re a forgotten moment of the past as she hurries to catch the seat he has saved for her. You walk to your seat among your friends. The usual dose of remarks on how you entered with her again follow, but by now you are used to their ribbing. You know it’s no use explaining to them that there is nothing going between you and her. There can never be. You aren’t even among her best friends. She’s not your muse. It would be appalling to even think of her that way. You want to tell your friends that. But you don’t. You look at her a few benches away. She is laughing away and you notice her hands interlocked in his. It doesn’t pain anymore to see that. It did when she had just started going around with him. But not anymore. Now you are just happy to see her happy. As the day goes on, you get to speak to her off and on. In between classes, and sometimes during some boring ones, she turns around casually and your eyes meet. A smile greets another. But it’s not that novel anymore. Your heart doesn’t race or skip a beat at every look or smile from her. At least not at every look or smile. You think of the times when it did. You comprehend that you still like her as much as you did back then. Actually even more.

College ends and she leaves with her hands firmly grasping his. No ‘bye’ or ‘see you tomorrow’. You like it better that way. At least it doesn’t hurt if she misses a ‘goodbye’ when you are not expecting one. She calls late that evening just as you are about to fall asleep. Her last call was nearly a month ago. It’s about a report at college. You move on to other topics. In between all the mirth and gossip, you realize that you have been on the phone with her for over an hour now. Just like old times, you reminisce. She tells you about an irrational quarrel she had with him earlier and how miffed she is. You smile serenely over the phone because you sense a déjà vu. You talk to her about how close they both actually are and how much they like each other. You try to talk some sense into her and get her to forget her scrap with him. When all’s sorted out, she thanks you and remarks about how you always get her out of the mess she manages to get into every other time. You know you’ve had the same conversation with her before. You want to tell her how much she means to you, how fond you are of her. But you don’t. You just fake a laugh and tell her to hang up and go to sleep. Yet again. She makes a comment about how sweet you are to her. And she hangs up. As you get ready to fall asleep, you begin to rue taking her phone call. You know now, thoughts of her will lurk endlessly in your head. You begin the same old conversation with yourself. Again. Are you in love with her? You disagree. It’s been 5 years since the only time you thought you were in love. And you think of your ‘love’ all that time ago. That ‘love’ who hadn’t bothered calling up even once in all those years. That ‘love’ in whose pain you wallowed for a long time even after you had realized that she just didn’t care. That ‘love’ who had called you her friend but had turned fiend. You float back into the present. No, this couldn’t be love. You don’t want this to be love. You don’t want her to be your love. Not after your first brush with ‘love’. You consider ‘infatuation’, but immediately discard that. She isn’t just an infatuation. She never was. You remind yourself that you don’t want her to be with you. You know she is happy with him. Without you. You want to see her happy. Always. But isn’t that true love? True love. Another one of your hated romantic clichés. An incredible myth. A terrible truth? Your mind is in utter turmoil now, but when is it not? Suddenly you want to hate her for making your life and thoughts so complex. But the very next moment, you work out that you can never hate her. You love her. But you don’t want to love her. Damn, how you hate that word …

You feel that you are putting yourself to sleep thinking of her yet again. You sense that it’s just another night. You drift into the surreal unconsciousness that is sleep. Tomorrow you will see her at lab again. You will see her holding his hand sometime during the day. You will see her smiling at you again. But what matters most is that you will see her. It will be just another day...

Poems

Dear Lord
Take away my sleep, But let me always dream the impossible.

Give me sorrow, But gift me the power to sread happiness.

Take away my body, But give me an indominable spirit.

Take away my strength to retaliate But give me the power to forgive.

Take away my success, But give me the grace to celebrate failure as well.

I may not achieve my goals, But let me always aim higher nonetheless.

The road to my destination may be painful, But let me always enjoy the journey.

Take away my youth, But give me the curiosity of a child.

Take away the ones I love, But let there always be one who loves me.

Give me infinite happiness, But let me be content in sorrow too.

Give me the power to love, The patience to let go And the grace to forget.

Give me fierce battles to fight, But give me victory even in defeat.

Endow me with faith in Your Being, And with belief in myself, Because faith
and belief are inseparable.

And when the time comes for me to go, Wait that extra second, For I want to thank You - For everything.
-Mairaj Zindran